To the guy that completely tore me apart,

You promised me things would be different with you. That you would show me what it’s like to be treated right by a guy. We’d been friends for two years and you’d seen me fall apart because of the jerks I’d dated. You were my shoulder to cry on when life was hard, and you’d been into me since my awkward freshman stage when we first met. Remember that? You were a junior at the time and I was completely naïve, though you could argue that I still am. You’d seen me at my worst and treated me right so of course I said yes when you asked me out.

Things were a little awkward at first; trying to transition from the whole friends phase to relationship phase but eventually we figured it out. Then you told me that we should wait until I turned 16 so I didn’t feel wrong, failing to realize it’d be the same way when I turn 17 and then you turn 20 a few months later. So I waited, and then you only texted me once on my birthday. I probably texted you a million times to find out you’d been out getting high with your friends.

Then I found out you had a kid. And it wasn’t from you. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, but I stayed because I trusted that you would do the right thing. Things got pretty rocky and I don’t remember how many times I cried over you. It was often enough that my dad took notice and started to hate you. I cried over the times you stood me up and didn’t have the decency to cancel. I cried every time we argued and you swore it was my fault. Yet I stayed and took you back every time you apologized because I swore deep in my heart you were different.

I didn’t know it then, but you were a drug to me. No matter how much harm you caused me I kept running back for more. Each time I let you into my life you cut into me emotionally just a little deeper. Now, I’m just hanging by a thread.

Remember that time you cheated on me? Oh wait, I’m sorry. It wasn’t really cheating because we were never official, right? Yet you still expected me to be faithful and got mad when I moved on after we broke up that one time. Oh, and I still took you back after that. Silly me for thinking that you would ever change.

You used my age against me, were a complete tool when you were drunk. You made me feel worthless, like I wasn’t good enough, like I was less than a person. Whenever I called you out on stuff I was crazy. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that demanding respect and getting mad when you said you wanted to do my roommate meant I was psychotic. Or how about when I told you I was getting surgery and all you cared about was the fact that I would have smaller boobs?

I’m done listing everything you did wrong , but I will say that it takes a great deal of maturity to admit that you were wrong or to accept that you hurt someone. That’s maturity that you clearly don’t have considering you knew that my depression came back because of what you were doing, and, yet, you refused to admit that you screwed up. All I wanted was for you to apologize and yet you decided to insult me instead.

Go ahead: call me crazy or psychotic or whatever you want. It reflects more on your character than it does on mine. Here’s a little secret for you: all people are crazy if you push the right buttons, so you might as well get used to it.

As I’m writing this, it’s been over two months since we cut things off for good. Instead of continuing to bash you for everything you did to me, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being the perfect example of what type of guy not to date and that ‘friends first’ doesn’t always work. Thank you for showing me my self-worth while you put me down because I know now that I’m better than that. Thank you for making me realize that I am gorgeous, and that I don’t need a guy or anyone to tell me that. Thank you for making me stronger and able to defend myself from jerks like you. But most of all, thank you for leaving me, because that was the push I needed to find myself.

Since we last spoke, I’ve never felt better about my body, more so after my surgery. I feel more confident than I used to, and I took this writing job so I can practice my right to the freedom of speech more openly. Yeah, I do miss you at times since I’m still recovering from what you did to me. And yeah, I might still freeze up when someone starts acting like you did to me or something reminds me of you, but luckily I’ve got a good support group of friends and family that has my back.

You may think that you walked away victorious, that you won, or got away with all the horrible things you did, but I know what you did and so do you. One day the guilt will hit you, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but let me tell you that karma bites hard, and thanks to you, I bite harder.

Sincerely,

The only girl that gave a crap about you