For as long as I can remember as soon as the thermometer would hit 90 I threw on my swimsuit and I headed for my pool. I loved wearing my swimsuit I felt confident, strong, alive, and like a model. That is until recently. And now my swimsuit has become my worst enemy.
So to my swimsuit,
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I have multiple different pairs in multiple colors I used to love to mix and match. Now I just stare at the open drawer and listen to the snarky remarks. I'm sure you're asking why? Recently I was bombarded with texts, calls, emails, snapchats, etc. from a group of girls who had one thing to say and one thing only and that is "You're fat" now some girls would laugh it off and I did at first but it's amazing that once you hear something over and over again you begin to believe it.
When venting to my friends about this they have nothing but kind things to say telling me the usual "they are dead wrong" "you are a twig" and maybe that's true but the tricky thing was I couldn't see it everyone else did but me. I would look in the mirror and cry at what I saw. The scale became my worst nightmare I would step on and cry at the results.
My expectations is that I need to look like a Victoria's Secret Model and in my eyes I didn't. I cried when I ate sweets and told myself I needed to stop eating in hopes that I could become thinner. I was living in my own little hell and I felt that there was no way of getting out. I was scared to go out in public at the pool. I used to be completely fine with laying out on my towel and getting an amazing tan or maybe lay out in rafts with my friends at the pool. But I have found myself even being uncomfortable at my own pool even when nobody is around.
It's amazing how these girls turned my world upside down. I never realized that I am my own worst critic until all I could say was how much I hated how I looked. Am I still happy with how I look? No. Am I improving? Yes. Will this take time? Oh god yes. But as I look in my drawer full of swimsuits I have promised myself this to stay positive because every girl is beautiful no matter what size they are. And one day that I can now laugh at the swimsuit that has mocked me as I walk my way towards the pool and prepare to jump in. Your body doesn't define you it's how you feel about yourself.
