Dear Sweetness,
It has been 3 years since you agreed to date this crazy, and yes I am referring to myself as crazy. That's 1,095 days, 26,280 hours, or 1,576,800 minutes. I have never been with another human being for that long. I just wanted to say... thank you. Thank you for staying with me, not that I am implying that I've done something worthy of you leaving, but regardless thank you. I appreciate that at 18, you took a chance on me, even if I was older and very independent.
I remember meeting you, the first time that is. I know that I've told you the story before, but I am going to tell it to you again. It was your first month at the University, you were standing at the front desk talking with your friend, who just so happened to be working it. I came downstairs (I am pretty sure it was an ungodly time of night) because I decided I needed to bake a full course meal. I made eye contact with you and was instantly creeped out. See, back in high school I had a huge crush on my male best friend (I was in love with my Best Best friend too, but you know, that's not the point here) and you looked painfully similar to him. I didn't think much of you after that and continued my life as if my eyes had never met your own, though you did creepily add me on facebook (yes, I accepted the friend request).
It had been a month, a really awful month full of emotional abuse and misuse. I was silently and unknowingly searching for something or someone to repave the emptiness that Depression was leaving inside of me. It was that time when food no longer satisfied me, and when sleep wouldn't come... ultimately I was just alone. I saw you. It was around Halloween, October 24th actually, when you came downstairs to the 2nd Floor of the University Center. I was in a cushioned chair facing you when our eyes met. I had seen you before, but I couldn't peel myself away from your face... or the AWFUL sock monkey hat that was atop your head. We stared at one another until I couldn't see you anymore at the vending machine; when you came back around and up the stairs, your eyes didn't leave me for a second to the extent that you leaned down to watch me while you walked up the staircase. I thought it was amusing, and I knew right then and there that you were someone important.
After that, things just went uphill, in a way. We became friends, good friends, the kind that watched movies and ate lunch together. The kind that texted each other just for fun, and spent some time together. You were my friend, and I loved that. It was nice to have you around because everything didn't seem so bleak. I hadn't realized I started developing feelings for you until your best friend mentioned that we acted like a couple already. I was baffled because it was just how I functioned... perhaps he was wrong because my friends and I were the same way? I searched for an answer. In most cases, I would take the first step, but instead, I waited. I wanted so badly for you to take initiative... until one day I couldn't take it anymore so I asked you, "Are you ever going to make a move?" Dead faced, you said, "Why should I make a move when I have no experience." A whole 2 years younger than me, yet you had the most validating reason not to pursue me that I had ever heard. That night... I made a move
It was 4 days after being "official" when you met my entire maternal side of the family, and let me emphasize the entire portion. However, you didn't run. You stayed with me despite them, despite meeting them. You stayed when it was rocky with my mother. You have seen me cry more than I care to admit out loud. You stayed... You Stayed. Partners and Family Members have happily walked out of my life, with or without telling me, but not you. Even when I initially placed ridiculous expectations on you, that you could not possibly meet because it was about someone else. I am so sorry... sorry that it was her shoes that you were trying to fill. I did not mean to place that kind of expectation on you, but for what it's worth, I am grateful for what you have done for me as a person and overall as your partner.
You listened to every detail and story that I expressed to you. You were a shoulder when I needed it, an ear to Bitch to, a friend to giggle with, and you would give a hug when the darkness set in. We are far from perfect, and sometimes I have this unsettling urge to punch you (I promise I will try not to... hehe), but I can't picture right now without you. Every ounce of overall life dissatisfaction, you've squashed, even when I didn't believe you. You are my biggest fan. You've tickled my heart the way I tickle your entire body. You remind me that being a goof is okay sometimes (though it doesn't last very long for me). You've made me feel safe and loved, something that is sometimes hard for me to comprehend.
You were right when you said "I know. I don't need you to Live. But it's nice to live with you" It's not a big deal that we aren't perfect, that we fight, that we are so damn far away from one another since my Graduation.... It's not a big deal because it nice to live in this world with you, even if it's hours away.
I love you. Happy Anniversary, and here is to hoping that we don't kill each other by the next one :)
Love Beautifuls
