This is a letter to accept that you are officially a part of my life now and forever. While you tried to attach yourself to my identity, I have never directly addressed you.
Where do I even begin with you? How do I talk to you? Will you even listen to me?
Before you came into my life, I imagined that you would show yourself abruptly and suddenly, like a car colliding into a wall. But that isn't how you show yourself to most people.
It's more like a grey fog slowly rolling over a hill into my mind and into my life. In the beginning, I never even knew you were there. It wasn't until I couldn't get out of bed, until it hurt to breathe from crying so hard, until you changed every aspect of my entire life that I noticed you. And when I finally noticed you were here, it was too late. You had already etched yourself into my left arm on the days that you grasped me the hardest. A constant reminder of the moments that I felt weak and worthless.
My family and friends saw the way you affected me and wished they had more control. I wished I had more control. When you showed yourself, I was already under your spell. My mind became a prison and you were the warden. For most people, a safe place is their warm bed. But some nights were spent crying in my cold bathtub because you had even turned my bed into a prison.
"I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was agony" (Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation).
Once you had taken over me, I wanted you to be there. That was the hardest part of getting rid of you, it was wanting to get rid of you. I let you take more control because I felt it was the only thing that explained my existence. As more time passed, the harder it was to give you up. I was completely miserable but the fear of not having you around outweighed the misery you caused. Completely forgetting what it felt like to live without you, I didn't want to let you go. Every night I would fall asleep wishing I wouldn't wake up, and every morning I would wake up wishing I hadn't. I lost complete control over you, and you ran rampant through my mind.
I prided myself on the control I had over my life until you came into the picture. And what an ugly family portrait that was. It wasn't until I made the decision that enough was enough and something needed to change. It was a long, bumpy road but I can now confront you without fear that grasped me in the beginning.
Oh dear depression, you are no longer wanted here and quite frankly, I never invited you. It has taken a couple of years for me to try and kick you out but some days I lose my hope and let you back in. Now I have let myself succeed past the limits you set for me and am stronger than I have ever been. In your absence, I grew as a person and will no longer let you take away my worth. There will never be another day that I spend cowering in my bed as you take control of my mind. There will never be another day that I spend hiding you in an attempt to appear 'normal'. I can now see that I am loved and wanted, something that you never allowed me to recognize.
My dear friend, you still come back every now and again but you are not welcomed any longer.
