I know you'll never read this.
I don't know what you're doing right now. I don't know if you're out, I don't know if you're sitting at home, I don't know if you're playing video games or talking to her (I do not say this with a bitter taste in my mouth, by the way. It's just for emphasis). I do know that you'll never see this. I know you'll never read it. I know if you do read it, you won't care. I have come to accept all of this, and I have come to say what I feel must be said.
I still have your hoodie. I still have the picture you drew and the letter you wrote. I still have the teddy bear you gave me for my birthday and the unicorn you gave me for Christmas. I still have your pictures. I still have the memories and I still have regret dragging it's sharp, murderous nails up and down my brain. I still have insecurity rubbing my shoulders and breathing down my neck. I still have your words constantly running through my mind. I still have the notion that you want nothing to do with me sitting heavily on my chest.
I wasn't the greatest person I could be. I made many mistakes that at the time I thought were good choices. I said things and did things post-breakup that weren't wise. I could apologize but my words would slide right in one ear and out of the other. They're empty to you. They're useless. But I will try anyways.
First things first- I'm sorry you hate me the way that you do. I know you have every right to, but it doesn't make it sting any less. I don't blame you, because if you did what I did then I wouldn't be your biggest fan either. I truly am apologetic for speaking out of line, it was fight-or-flight instinct.
Next, I'm sorry for the relationship. I made you cut off connections with people that I thought were harmful to the relationship when in reality it was all in my head (not that you cut them off anyways, but I tried to make you). I got mad over small things and made you feel like trash (and myself because I knew what I was doing wasn't right). I wasn't the greatest girlfriend I know I could have been, and for that I am sorry.
I am sorry we ended the way we did. I don't even mean the relationship. Before October 24th, we were close friends and we laughed and got along just fine. After January 19th, it was all ruined. It was forced and uncomfortable. I miss everything before that. I know it can't be fixed so easily and so quickly, and I have come to accept that. I have come to terms with a lot of things about you, about us, and although I had to cry and cry and cry to accept it, I did. It was the most painful thing I have ever had to do.
Here it is: the big, grand finale. Or, as a certain American History teacher would say, the "meat and potatoes" of this letter. I love you with everything in me. I have never, and will never, stop loving you. But I know I have to let you go. I know it's time. It pains me to say it, but I know that God has a plan for you and me and everyone else in this world so what happened with us was exactly what was supposed to happen. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you stay happy. I also want you to know that I don't have any hard feelings, and I'm sorry you think being friends will never be a smart option. Maybe one day that'll change, but for now I send nothing but positive energy your way.
Sincerely,
B
