Dear Mama,

I want to start off by saying I miss you, but not the regular kind of missing someone... a different kind of missing. It's the missing you could only know of if you’ve experienced it. It's the missing that, when you realize you miss that person and they’ll never be there again, you just break down and cry about until it hurts deep down inside.

It's been three years and nine months. It doesn’t seem like long if you don’t think about it too much, but when you left this place, I was 15 years old... I turn 20 this year. It feels like you’ve been gone forever and it scares me, because I feel like my memories of you are starting to fade, or maybe it's just me blocking them out so I won't have to hurt any longer. You know what your death made me realize? It made me realize that time doesn't heal wounds at all, it just makes them bigger. It's like the scab tries to grow over it, but every time I try to pick up the phone and call you or I see girls shopping with their moms or I realize I don't remember your voice anymore, I end up ripping the scab off and watching the huge wound bleed. Let me tell you, when something important happens in my life, it's like someone is pouring salt on the scab and kicking me while I'm forever down.

I have been living with this pain for so long that I don't know genuine happiness anymore. Want to know something sadder? It took me until I graduated high school to finally sit down and tell someone the treacherous events from that day that played over and over in my head for months until it almost drove me insane. It felt good to finally get off my chest or, better yet, say it out loud. In the moment I told my friend, your death became realer than ever. You remember the night you left me: July 3, 2012, at 10:46 p.m. to be exact. I stayed up for days. It's like my mind would never let me sleep, but one day, I convinced myself you were just working a double shift at work, and surprisingly, it worked. I slept like a baby, knowing that I would see you when I woke up, but I didn't, so that only ended up hurting me more.

On days when I don't remember your voice anymore, I go through my voice mails and listen to you talk over and over again. I have a break down every so often, but then again, it doesn't help me, because I know you'll never come back. You know what hurts the most, Mama? You’ve missed every Christmas since 2012, my 16th birthday, the day I got my driver's license, the day I got my first car, my first prom, my last prom, the day I was crowned Homecoming queen, graduation, my first day of college, family day here at A-State, all my college visits, my first job, and every other day of my life. You won't be there when I graduate college, when I have my first kid, when I get married, or any other major thing in my life. I need you more than ever now, because all the life lessons you taught me only went for my teenage years. Now I'm becoming a woman and I need my mama, but I'll continue to do the best I can with the help from my aunties and cousins and other various women you left in my life.

I hope you're having fun in Heaven because you deserve it. God truly gained an amazing angel when He took you away from me. I'll continue to pray and not question Him, but I would give anything in this world to go back to that day and relive it over and over forever, just to be with you one last time. I'll continue to try to make you happy every day.

Love you with all my heart,

Your daughter

P.S. Tell Granny I said that I love her and miss her.