To My Friends,
I am tired of making excuses on your behalf. I am tired of telling myself that each and every one of you, just like everyone else on the planet, is simply busy with your own life, and that’s why we haven’t talked in a while. I’m tired of reassuring myself that you really are my good friends – though you do little to prove it. I am tired of one-sided relationships.
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I am a temporary fixture prioritized behind your immediate friends. I’m the friend you hang out with when I ask, but you have two group messages – one with me and one without me. You forget about me. You fill your life with things and activities and people, and I exist only when my name lights up your phone because I want to know how you’re doing. But you’ll never ask how I’m doing, and you’ll never spend time with me unless I reach out to you first. I’m there for you for a period of time when you need me. You’ll thank me for bringing joy to your life by caring about you more than most people do; yet that never ends up being enough, and I watch as friends and significant others move on to fulfilling lives without me.
Here’s the difference: I care. You do not.
My claim may sound bold, but after years of watching friends make decisions that affect me without my input, I’m tired of being under-appreciated. I have been there and I will continue to be there for you anytime you need me because I am grateful for your friendship and I want the best for you. I’m thankful for the time you spend with me. Since I was young, I’ve been quick to refer to people as my “best friends” when I cared about them and they were close with me – in my opinion, that’s all it should take to build a strong friendship.
I was also always hesitant to do what most people do when they settle into a specific friend group; I found it cruel to say, “This group of people is the only kind I want to associate with.” That lifestyle is too exclusive in my opinion – too restrictive. I would rather keep my options open so that my life can be filled with various people and perspectives, because everyone has a lot to offer in his or her own way. I never saw an issue with this lifestyle until I realized I was calling so many people my friends, yet I had almost no one to go to when I needed advice or had nothing to do on a Saturday night.
I’ve been blaming it on myself. At first, I thought maybe I was unaware of something wrong with me that everyone else could clearly see. Then I blamed it on my passivity: maybe I’m not aggressive enough to maintain a friend group that cares enough about me to keep me included. Yet I decided that a hostile or assertive disposition is not what should win you loyal friendship. After those two options didn’t add up, I accepted that perhaps my role in life isn’t to be surrounded with committed friends in the same way everyone else is; maybe I’m meant to be there for others when they need me, and that is enough. But it isn’t.
So, then I realized: my problem is you. You care only for status, appearance and yourself. I understand; and with a bitter taste in my mouth I’ll admit that, in the past, I cared a lot about it, too. I think it’s just a side effect of growing up and trying to identify yourself through the people you associate with. However, I never lost sight of the fact that being a good person and friend is more important than caring about what others think of me. I feel as if I’m alone in that understanding.
Despite this harsh realization, I do want to say thank you. Thank you for the years of memories and laughs and the time spent by your side. While I cared for each of you wholeheartedly, you all cared for me similarly in your own ways, at least temporarily. That kind of friendship is still worth something, and means a lot to me. I won’t forget it.
But as time has gone on, I’ve realized that now is the time to stop saying thank you. I would prefer to live a life free from friendships than live one saturated with people who hollowly appreciate me. I can promise you, however, that I will never refrain from being who I am. I will always care, I will always be quick to call you my best friend and I will always go out of my way to show you my support and make plans with you… but I’m standing up for myself. I won’t waste time doing this in a place where that loyalty isn’t reciprocated anymore, because I can assure you that nothing feels worse than being constantly surrounded by people yet feeling entirely alone. So I’m letting you go.
Here’s to a brighter future.
All my love,
The Friend You Let Go
