Everybody describes their first love as the boy/girl they met in middle school, high school, and perchance even college. For the longest time, I assumed and was under the influence of social ideals that your first love is hypothetically supposed to be the first guy/girl you fell in love with.
Lately, I grasped onto the fact that isn't the case. Your initial love is the first person you fell in love with. You don't have to date this person or be irrevocably infatuated with them. You merely need to just love them with your whole heart. In my case, mine was my best friend.
I know some people have numerous best friends throughout their lifetime, but you always have that one best friend. You can tell them whatever without hesitation at all, they might as well move in with you since they're at your house so much, that kind of best friend. This is an open letter to that person.
To My Original First Love,
We overlapped paths at an early age and we didn't know it from the start, but we would turn out to be the best of friends. You were my go to, my shoulder to cry on, the person I could vent to, and more. We did the whole shit and shebang together. You basically lived with me at my house, but I didn't mind it.
At that age, I had no idea what love really was. The only kind of love I had ever known was for my family. It wasn't until recently in my life I realized that the boy I spent maybe 3-4 years with isn't my first love. You were.
My time was mostly prioritized by spending time with you. Going to the movies, the mall, the skating rink, the bowling alley, etc. My world revolved around you. Even when I had a boyfriend, or you had one and our time together dwindled, you were still my best friend and I still went to you for literally everything.
Do you remember our tradition we established back when we first became friends? I do. When we first became friends, your first time at my house was Christmas Day. After that, it was our mission to make Christmas Day an annual day that you must come to my house and spend the night for. It was our thing.
Even though I had undeniably no idea what love was as a child, looking back now, that's precisely what I felt for you; love. I loved you like nobody else. I could tell you everything that was troubling me without hesitation or fear of being judged whatsoever. You helped me with issues I faced, and I did the same for you. You made me beyond happy and I went out of my way to make sure you knew your worth to me...
However, this letter doesn't end with the happy ending that is/was anticipated...
Maybe all of that wasn't enough to make you stay. Did I need to do more? Or less? What did I do wrong?
I know you're gone and I should not even hesitate to look back into the past, but my mind is full of questions that continuously go unanswered. Why did you leave? What did I do that was so awful that you couldn't just bare the sight of me any longer?
If two people are truly best friends, distance does not mean anything. That's just a number.
I loved you, but did you love me? I went out of my way for you and expected nothing in return. I defended your honor whenever peoples' mouths opened to speak ill of you. If you needed something, I was there. If you wanted to talk, I was there. If you needed a place to stay, I was there. I was there from the start of our friendship and I stayed until the end.
You hurt me worse than what a boy or any other friend could ever do. We were friends for years, but all it took was several hours to destroy every bit of it.
Even though our friendship ended long ago, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I wonder what you're doing now, how your life's going, and what your new friends are like. What are your plans for life? Have they changed or are they still the same as ever? Do you have a boyfriend? If not do you like anyone? What's their name? What is your new school like? How are your classes and are they easy or hard?
What is your life like now that I'm no longer apart of it?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
Every time you cross my mind, I have to push the thought away from my conscience. It's not that I don't care about you because I do. I truly do. It's just that you didn't want me anymore and like a mother who doesn't want her child any longer, you gave me up to someone else.
You left me all alone with nowhere to go. I was your new toy you got from Christmas but once you wore me down and shredded away my new toy looks and feel, you threw me out. I was your favorite toy that you didn't want anymore. I became a puppy who had been rejected by the only owner he ever loved and I was devastated and didn't know what to do and where to turn next.
You were my first love and gave me my first broken heart, but as all first loves go, they teach you a lesson.
You taught me that even though people seem genuine on the outside, that doesn't always mean they have good intentions. You taught me that no matter how good you are to people, they will still be bad towards you. You taught me that even though you can give someone the world, they will still take you for granted.
Do you know how hard it is? Knowing we aren't best friends anymore? Did it hurt you as bad as it did me when you left, or did you feel nothing at all? Do you know how hard it is trying to replace you with someone else and getting scared they're going to turn out just like you? To leave and not feel one ounce of guilt?
How could you do that to me? How could you leave me? Did you believe all the lies your friends told you? Did you leave because you never liked me to begin with? Did you leave because I couldn't give you more than what I did? Did you leave because I hurt your reputation? My question stands broadly as ever and in the shadows: Why? Why did you do it....
We had a lot of great times together and I will forever treasure the time I was able to spend with you.
I would be there to aid you as quickly as possible if all you did was snap your fingers. If you clapped your hands for me, I would be there. If you told me to jump, I would ask "how high?" I did do all of those things at one point in time.
Not anymore though.
I tried to claim you back as my friend and I attempted to text you every day, but how can you keep a conversation with someone when they give you one-word answers and don't open your message until days later? The answer is you can't.
When you left, you took all the love I had for you as well as the love you had for me. When you left, you said goodbye for good. At that moment, you were never going to come back no matter what I said or even tried to do. In turn, because of you, I can't be best friends with anyone or even friends with anybody without worrying if I'm just being the fool again. I can't be happy and have friends anymore.
If I did have true friends after you, I've pushed every single one of them away in fear of being hurt in a constant cycle. There was only you, and there will never be another like you and because of you, I can never have a normal friendship with anybody for a long time.
My guard has been on high alert since you broke my heart. I have never been able to love another like I did you. You were the first of your kind and you certainly were the last also.
Maybe you were a lesson, maybe you weren't. I'll have to find out on my own. We chose different paths in life and when you chose yours, you didn't want me to walk beside you this time. But perhaps we will cross paths again someday when I'm better for you and you're better for me.
