Dear J,

I still remember our kiss like it was yesterday. I remember that I had a Will Smith playlist on my iPod. I remember that you thought I’d hate you if you kissed me. I remember telling you I wouldn’t. Then I remembered that you had a girlfriend. I was so into you that I let it get into the way of my morals. Later that night you called me and told me that you broke up with her, because you loved me. I was happy, but deep down I knew it was wrong to start a relationship like that. I still don’t know if you even told her about the kiss, or about me.

Remember our first real date? Not when we were just sitting inside and making out, or holding hands when no one was looking. We went to the flea market and spent the whole day looking around. You bought me a pin with a pair of pink lips on it. We got ice cream at the food court and you made me self-conscious when you pointed out that my teeth were turning blue. I hid my mouth from you for the rest of the day. When we got back to my house you kissed me and told me that blue was your favorite color, and that you wouldn't care if my teeth were rainbow colored.

You made me feel beautiful like I had never felt before. I was more confident than ever. I remember lying in your bed with our arms around each other. I tried not to put much pressure on yours, because I didn't want you to get uncomfortable and move it. Mine fell asleep every time. I didn't mind it though, because being close to you made me feel happy.

I didn’t know how to tell you how happy I felt with you. I was uncomfortable saying the ‘L’ word, even though I knew it would have meant the world to you. You said it was enough for me to say “ILY” but I know it must have hurt you that I couldn't say the full thing out loud. When you met my family I introduced you as my “friend” because I knew they wouldn’t approve. When you came over they had no idea we were doing more than just watching movies in my room. Do you remember the time they almost caught us mid-kiss? The rush that followed was intense. It was fear and passion and everything that secret-romance movies promised us.

When you broke up with me it was out of nowhere. I was hurt. I was depressed. But I didn’t want you to feel bad so I said I was fine and yes, of course we could still be friends. I really thought we could. Then I saw the posts you were making. You thought I couldn’t see them, but I did. You were after a new girl. A prettier girl. A girl who would say the ‘L’ word.

I never told you that I was planning to say that word three days later. It was going to be a surprise when you came over. Because I thought yes, I’m ready to say it. It hurt me to see you saying it to another girl, not even a week after you had said it to me.

Did you kiss her while we were dating? I can’t help but ask that. Is that your style? I’m not bitter anymore, I genuinely want to know. Is that how you pick up girls? You string them along while you’re in a relationship. Then you get them to kiss you. Then you break up with your girlfriend “for them?" I guess it’s working for you. You’ve dated four people since me. I’ve dated one.

I’m over you, but I do wish we were still friends. Because before we dated I really liked you. Not just romantically. You were funny and had a great personality, not to mention a bomb music taste. I liked being around you. I think I still would if we ever hung out anymore.

This is an invitation. Let’s talk. Not as lovers, not as friends with benefits, just plain friends who listen to music together and don’t make out.

Sincerely,

Your third kiss