Dear Feelings,
I've been able to turn you off to a certain extent and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Being able to do this has come with going through a lot, and I mean a lot of hardships, a lot of disappointment and a lot of sadness. For over three years I've dealt with depression and anxiety and you were so overwhelming that I didn't quite know how to control you. I felt so strongly for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I fell in "love" fast and I thought that others' plights were my own and that I should be responsible for trying to fix others around me. Through building my own self confidence and realizing that I can't help every person and every cause, I've been able to strengthen my "emotional skin", if you will. It's been an extremely hard process of me training myself to put my needs and wants above others' and realizing that what I want and need is extremely important because it is my life that I'm living.
As far as turning you off, this is the very negative aspect to how I deal with things. As soon as I start to feel the sadness crashing in again (which is the worst part of you), I flick the switch off in my brain and go cold. I tell myself that I don't have time for you, that I need to succeed in business and school and life. I need to become an amazing and well-rounded person who doesn't let boys or my "friends" hurt this aspect of me that involves you. I told myself, that after getting hurt so many times that I wouldn't give people a chance to tap into you and I've been successful in doing so. However, from time to time, when I do show you, I feel extremely vulnerable and it makes me uncomfortable beyond measure. I try to find the balance between hiding you and showing you, but sometimes there is a fine line. I never want to be pitied or feel like I have no control over you and that's why it scares me to let other people see you, without your cloak, without your disguise and fully out in the open.
I think of you as my one weakness, but also as a strength, even if it may not seem like it at times. Through utilizing you, I can relate so well to others and I can make lasting relationships that are beneficial to everyone involved. I know how to make others feel wanted because of you and that is something special. I have such a love/hate relationship with you, that sometimes it makes me sick. You make me a human being and not a robot and I kind of hate you for that. To be honest, you are the greatest and the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I pray for the person that has to deal with both me and you in the future. Despite all of our bickering and me trying to turn you off at times, I still love you and I want you to know that.
Love,
Caroline
