To my family members who don't see me during my everyday struggles.
I know this may seem stupid to you but to me ... it's my entire life. You sit at the dinner table on holidays and talk about everyone else's day/accomplishments/school/work but you never ask me. Instead you turn to me and tell me everything I'm doing wrong. I'm sorry I'm not the kid that got into Harvard, or the one who got a sports scholarship to a college. I'm sorry I'm not the one who can go out and get a job simply because you tell me to. I'm sorry for not living up to your expectations of me. But I am not sorry for telling you like it is. I'm not writing this letter to you because I want your sympathy or attention, I'm writing this letter to you to make you understand someone you care about and love is struggling. And she needs help.
I am me. I am my own person, with my own set of goals and accomplishments I want to achieve in my life.
In the beginning, it was easy to ignore what you were saying and fake laugh it off. As time went on, things only got worse. Just because I'm not in the Air Force, an engineer, a college lacrosse coach, or anything else in this family does not mean I don't have a right to feel certain things. You may think its funny to sit there and talk to me about finding a job ... but you don't know that even the thought of going out to get a job causes me so much social anxiety that I wouldn't make it through a work day without crying.
My anxiety is not an excuse, nor is it a made up thing. It is real. And it is crippling. Anxiety to me doesn't mean getting nervous for a few minutes then it passes. It means my legs will break out in hives, I will not be able to breathe, uncontrollable crying, and shaking like I've experienced hypothermia. In other words, I don't have a nervous system, I am a nervous system. You all think I enjoy not being able to breathe when I don't have a black pen to take notes with, or when I can't sit next to my brother at the dinner table on holidays. You think it's funny when I leave the table crying because I cannot deal with the amount of pressure being put me on me. I wonder if you were in my shoes, if you could even make it through one family holiday without wanting to lock yourself in your room and cry.
The best part is ... none of you even see what you're doing to me. You sit there and say that I need to "suck it up" well heres a lesson for you. Anxiety is real, it is life changing and it is by far the worst thing that can happen to a person. You guys use the term anxiety so often that it has no real meaning for you. I often shut down, go silent, disappear mid-conversation for no apparent reason. I constantly feel judged for this, and it hurts. Every time I get up to leave the room, you have no idea its because I feel as though you guys don't want me there, or that no one would really care if I was in the room or not. And usually, you don't say anything to me when I leave. That's the most painful part ... I hope that you guys can look in my eyes and see the pain and the discomfort but no one cares enough to even do that. When you tell me to "take a deep breath and relax" you don't understand that I have tried that a thousand times already. So don't think I'm ignoring your advice, I'm just trying to get you to understand. If I could stop my anxiety by taking a deep breath instead of having to take pills three times a day ... I would. So please spare me the yelling to get over it, the disapproving looks, and please start supporting me instead of putting me down.
Depression isn't feeling just sadness. It's feeling hopeless, self-loathing, isolation, anxiety, sadness, guil, and you're at the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry. I feel like the odd one out, and you make it known that I am. I am not sorry for my illness, nor will I ever be. But I am sorry for you. I'm sorry that you do not know how to deal with something like this and I'm sorry that you make no effort to understand it. Let me tell you this about depression ... depression isn’t always crying your mascara off in the shower and playing sad songs in bed. Sometimes it’s not wanting to talk to anyone for days and other times it’s desperately needing to be around people. Sometimes depression is having no appetite even though you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday and sometimes it’s eating everything you have in the fridge. Depression isn’t your friend holding you and telling you that it’s going to be okay. It’s sitting across the table, not eating, having her ask you what’s wrong and knowing that you’re ruining her night because you can’t seem to snap out of it and just be happy. It’s the frustrating feeling of desperately wanting to enjoy something and just be normal for once. It’s keeping things a secret from the people you love because you don’t want them to look at you like you’re broken. No, depression isn’t beautiful black and white images. Depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just exhausting. I have moments where I think I'm over it and then I have others where I cry on the bathroom floor wondering why I wasn't good enough. You need to understand that someones mental health is more important than a good grade, or scoring that game winning goal.
Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive, and it’s wanting friends while hating socializing. It’s like running a marathon with the willpower of a corpse because you want to get to the end but you also want to sleep and evaporate into the soil and become compost for snails and flowers because then at least you’re useful.
This is it. This is everything I've always been too afraid to say to you. I hope you read this and realize that this isn't a joke, not is it a game. I wrote this letter to you so you can understand what is going on in my mind. I hope after this reading this you have a better understand of why I do the things I do. No matter what happens, at the end of the day I will always love you.
I'm sorry if I let you down.
Love,
Your loved one that's struggling.
