To The One Who Wasn't,

Let me start off by saying that I've wanted to write this for years. I thought maybe I would sound crazy - that somehow you would end up seeing this and reading it and you'd think that I'm still into you after all this time. But the truth is, I needed to write this. For me.

I don't care if you ever read this. I don't care if you see it pop up on someone's timeline and you scoff to yourself. I don't care if you think I'm desperate, or crazy, or obsessed, or still carrying a torch. I can't control how you feel. And I know now that I never could.

So I'm going to say some things. Because I need to.

So, hi. Hope you're doing well. I've moved. Again. I also just graduated. I got my B.A. in Music... I know. You thought I should do something more "practical." Well, music is practical. I'm going to graduate school now. And yes, I'm growing my hair out again, but it's not because you always said that my short hair wasn't as attractive. I just wanted a change. And yes, I still love my nose ring. Thanks for asking.

I learned a lot in our time together. My mom often says that a lot of life is finding out what you don't like. I've always liked that... Try something and find out whether or not you like it. Then you know to steer clear of whatever it was you've now experienced. With you, I found out a lot of things that I don't like.

I want to say that I'm not sorry. I apologized profusely at first because I thought that it was my fault. But the truth is, it's not my fault. It's not yours either. Things weren't clicking, and I tried to change everything I could about me to fit into the mold of what it was that you wanted. I tried to be someone that you loved when you should've just loved me for me. I thought you were The One. But you seemed to just be The One Who Wasn't: the "close, but no cigar"; the "close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades."

It took a lot of soul-searching and staying up until the sun rose to realize that - that you weren't The One. I thought that I had lost you because of something I did wrong. But I realized that there was nothing wrong with me.

It's true, I was not perfect. But I was always good to you. And sometimes - even still today - I get so upset that you never apologized to me for your shortcomings and mistakes when I have done so for things I wasn't even guilty of doing.

You came into my life, I trusted you, you convinced me to change, and then you left. You left me feeling like not only was I not good enough as the girl you crafted me into, the girl I had tried so hard to personify and bring to life but that I also wasn't good enough as the person I truly am.

Sometimes I get really angry at you. Because you hurt me so badly, and I apologized when I did nothing wrong, and I'm still hurting, and you're happy. I'm so often alone, and you're so far from it. I don't blame you for my loneliness but jealousy seems to be like this decrepit ugly sweatshirt that looks horrible on me that I wear when I'm at my lowest. And the second I pull it over my head, I can't take it off without serious effort or even sometimes help from a friend.

Keep in mind, I'm jealous that you're happy. I'm not jealous of your beau because I don't wish that I was with you still. But I am jealous that you get to be happy with her, and I have to keep waiting for my turn.

I'm very grateful for my life. I'm glad I learned what to stay away from in the future. And I truly do want you to be happy. You weren't perfect either, but you deserve to be happy. It sucks that, if I happen to see you, or if I see one of our old mutual friends, or even if I send you a friendly gesture, I can't make you respond to me. I can't force you to be cordial. I can't control your actions. And I know things are different now and that it's a little weird to keep in touch with your exes, but if I see you in a grocery store, I want to be able to wave.

I can't control your actions, who you hang out with, what you say to me, what you don't say to me, how you speak of me, or what you think of me. I try every day to find peace and love in my heart, to remind myself that I'm deserving of happiness and that my time too will come. Someday. Someday soon.

The wonderful thing about not being able to control your actions is that we're playing fairly: you can't control mine either. I've stopped harboring these feelings of sadness: they were weighing me down. But trying to forgive you when you haven't asked for forgiveness is a little... Well, it's been a challenge for me. But I do forgive you.

So, I hope this finds you warm and well. Those were just some things I wanted to say. I can't make you read this but I said it so I've done what I can to put it out there, and in that, I'm hoping to find some inner peace.

Sincerely,

Jentry