Dear Spirit,

I know that when I first went to the shelter I was not looking for you. I am so glad that my friend was there with me, that she saw you, and said that's the one. My mom told me to check you out, reminding me how I needed a dog that was the exact opposite of me. If it wasn't for them, I might not have you. When I brought you home I was so scared, just as you were. You see, I had adopted a different dog back in April. Her name was Terra and she was beautiful. She cuddled with me every night and gave me kisses every time I came home. I had to give her back to the adoption organization because of an unfortunate trip to the dog park. It was very hard for me to deal with. I kept thinking it was all my fault, that somehow I was a bad parent, and I cried almost every night. I took it as a sign that I didn't deserve a pet, even though it was something I wanted more than I could even explain. My heart broke and so, I waited to look for another dog until I forgave myself. Now, I have you. I still have moments where I'm afraid something will happen and you won't be mine anymore, but I remind myself that that's the anxiety talking.

The anxiety talks a lot less with you around. It's hard to explain but you make me feel whole again. I haven't had a nightmare since your snores have entered my dreams. You give me a reason to get out of bed every morning. I have something to come home to. You get me outside breathing fresh air. When I feel panic start to bubble up in my chest, I go to you and somehow you make it better. Sometimes, I can't get myself out of bed. I remember that week I was off my medication. It was a hard week. I couldn't get myself to eat, I was tired all the time, I was grumpy. And you weren't mad that you didn't get all of your walks. You let me stay in bed way past noon. You slept beside me and curled up under my arm, almost as if you were waiting until I was ready to take you for a walk. The fear came almost as quickly as it went away. What did I ever do to deserve you?

It's been a month and each day gets better. I can tell that you are more comfortable around me and words can hardly express how happy that makes me. I love that your normal dog tendencies are starting to show. I love that you feel safe enough to rip through my garbage and sleep with my clothes. I love that you drag my shoes around the house when I'm gone. I love that you whine to get into the bed with me, as if you can't sleep when you're not beside me. I love that when we're walking you look back at me, as if you're making sure I'm still there. I love that when someone tries to pet you and you get nervous you hide in between my legs. I love that you follow me around the house. I love that when I'm trying to get ready for work at eight a.m. you continue to jump up on me, as if I can't hold your paws long enough. I love that when I leave you run to the door and stare at me with your big eyes (although it does make leaving you difficult, but I'm sure you knew that). I love when we go to the dog park and you only want to chase me. I love that when I do witchcraft you sit beside me in front of the windows, soaking up the sun. I love that when I'm eating you try your best to pretend that you're not actually trying to sniff my food, you just wanted to look at the wall near me. I love that you let me sing the entire Hamilton soundtrack to you. I love you. I love that you let me love you. I hope that you love me too.