To my drug-addicted cousin,

I remember when I was still in my pre-teen years and I would see you at the family Christmas gatherings. You were so beautiful. Such a loving mother to your kids, and a joy to be around with a laugh that warmed the entire room and reverberated through many ears.

Then one year, you didn’t walk through the front door on Christmas. This was the one day a year I was able to see you, but you disappeared. There was an empty space in the doorway, and I didn’t understand. My parents didn’t tell me the truth until a couple years later; I was probably too young to handle it.

When I found out you were addicted to meth, I crumbled. I remember the words coming out of my parents’ mouth as they told me not to talk about it with anyone else. The sickening sound of the word ‘meth’ hollowed me.

So many questions surfaced from the depths of my mind. What got you into this? What part of your life fell through the cracks to make you resort to numbing yourself through this harmful drug? What about your career? What about your kids?

After realizing you were unreachable and prostituting yourself on the streets so you could get drug money for your fix, I learned to dissipate the fact that you were disowned by the family. I accepted that your kids would be taken care of by their grandmother and would grow up with the stark reality that their mother was a junkie.

Several years passed, and your silhouette filled the doorframe on Christmas Day. You lost so much weight and your skin looked damaged and aged, but a part of me still thought you were beautiful. You said you had been clean and just released from rehab. We were enamored.

After regaining custody of your kids, everyone believed you had your head on straight again. You were in a healthy relationship with someone on the same road to recovery as you, moved back into a nice home, went back to school, went back to work, and were able to have a family again.

But like any addict, you have a problem. Rehab didn’t work. You broke ties with the one good relationship you’ve ever had. You quit school, left your job and got into a new relationship with a dealer you met on the streets.

I just found out recently that you would no longer be attending Christmas gatherings, yet again. Your kids are old enough now to fully understand what you are doing. Your two youngest sons found you cooking meth in the bathroom of a hotel room you were all staying at.

How could you? How could you be on the road to recovery and remain sober for so long only to resort to your old ways? You are bound for death. You are bound for failure. You are bound for emotional degeneracy.

I recently listened to a TED Talk online about how everything known about addiction is wrong. People think rehab, prison and cutting out the druggies from our lives is the answer. People think that by refusing to speak to them, disabling a relationship with them, and scolding them for their actions will make them stop.

But everyone who believes this is wrong.

Drug addicts don’t just stop if you’re upset. They don’t just stop by going to rehab or prison. They end up in the circular lifestyle of recidivism.

The real solution is to give them a connection with something. People who are in loving and welcoming environments choose to refrain from a life dominated by drugs and alcohol because they have something to live for. It is those who remain isolated from everyone who choose drugs or alcohol as their form of connecting with something. Pushing an addict away from the relationship you have with them is only pushing them further into addiction.

It is within our human nature to form bonds and connections; if people in your life aren’t giving you those connections, that’s when you begin connecting with addictions.

Think about this: most people who are happy, wealthy and successful don’t refrain from a life of drugs and alcohol because they are being stopped; they refrain because they choose happiness in their relationships with work, school, friends, family, etc. It’s not that they don’t have the money to support an addiction. It’s not that they don’t have the resources. It’s that they have loving relationships and built a life worth living.

This is what you need to do. No amount of rehab or arguments with the family is going to save you. Your entire path to betterment is up to your willingness to form bonds with people who love you.

So, know this: I love you whether you’re using or you’re not using. I want you to be able to talk to someone who only wants the best for you so you can form a bond with something other than meth. You need that connection because otherwise, your only friend is your pipe and deathly chemicals.

Don’t seek sobriety if you go back to rehab. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety; the opposite of addiction is connection.

Find a life worth living, because you are much too beautiful to wither away to nothing. You have three beautiful kids who need their mother, and you need them too. Don’t you want to watch your kids grow up, graduate, get married, become successful, and have kids of their own? Don’t you want to live the fullest, happiest life possible?

If no one else is willing to welcome you back, then you still have me. If no one else wants to praise you for the beautiful person you are, I will. I promise I will not turn you away. I will only welcome you with open arms to help you in any way I can. I promise I will be here when you hit the bottomless pits of addiction. Because I love you no matter what state you’re in. Please do what’s right and absolve yourself into a loving relationship with people who care. We don’t want to bury you before you get the chance to love your life.

Sincerely,

Your cousin Jamie.