I told you that I could do this. That I could go on without you. I told you that I would worry about my mom and take care of her. I told you to start taking care of yourself, that I would take care of my family. I tried so hard to hold back every tear and emotion I had, but I let it slip every time you started to snore. I gave you a hug and by doing that, I accidentally let every single emotion that was in my body, out. I knew, I just knew that that hug would be the last one I ever gave you. I didn't want to let go, hell, I didn't even know if letting go of you was humanly possible. That's when mom came back into the room and I knew I had to stay strong for her.
I still remember the last words I said to you. "I love you, I'll see you tomorrow". Those words echo in my head every single day. I knew the word "goodbye" couldn't come from my mouth. I didn't have it in me to say it, and I knew that it would be permanent if I did. I kissed your forehead and left for work. You didn't wait for tomorrow though, you waited until my mom and her cousin were the only two people around and you took your last breath. I like to think that you chose that moment. I like to think that you didn't want any of us to see you like that so you waited until we all left. But I hate to think that all in the same. I hate to think that you waited until I wasn't there to take care of my mom, to take care of you.
I still cry, constantly. Any time I have a patient on hospice, or that slightly resembles you. I cry thinking about holidays. I think about how there's going to be an empty chair at the table and I cry. Friday nights, the nights you and my mom always went out; she's going out on her own now. You better believe that I cry when I think about that too. My wedding day, my first child, you won't be there for any of that. I know you would want me to stay strong but dammit I'm not even close to strong when it comes to missing you!
I had to write a paper for my class today, one of the topics was to interview someone 70 years old or older. I immediately went to call you, that's when it hit me. It hits me a lot actually. I try not to think of you as dead, I try to think about the memories. So every now and then I'll think about something you were suppose to do with me, or talking to you. I like to think that in those moments, I'm the happiest I have been since you left this world. However, following those moments, it's like I'm losing you all over again.
I said goodbye to you without saying that word. But every now and again, I think I can hear you saying hello to me. My car needs an oil change, I'm way overdue for it. I'm sure you would kick my ass if you knew that. But I'll take care of the oil change, just like I told you I would take care of my mom.
I love you, and every single day for the rest of my life I will miss you. Until we meet again. XOXO.
