Dear Dad,

I'm not quite sure how to go about writing this, or how to go about doing much of anything anymore. Yet, here I am attempting and pulling through.

There is a lot that I have yet to say. Well, first things first; I love you. No Dad, I am not kidding, I wholeheartedly love you more than I would ever have admitted to your face. As cliche as it sounds, I was beyond blessed to have had you in my life for the first 18 years of my life. Although, if it were up to me, I would've kept you longer. I can't be selfish, I had a dad, an amazing one. Not many people can say that. For you, I am thankful. To be able to call you my dad. I will take the 18 years that I was gifted over none. I thank you for the little and big things you have done for me and with me. From teaching me how to completely take apart a computer tower, piece by piece just to put it back together. For teaching me how to jail-break almost any device. Teaching me to ski, wakeboard, to ride a dirtbike, how to drive.Teaching me to be more tough and stronger than the average girl my age. For rubbing your weird and odd personality off on me. For it just being you and I for as long as I can remember. For laughing at me and with me. For holding me when my world was falling apart. For helping mold my expensive taste in every aspect of my life, from food to clothes. For being the absolutely funniest guy I have ever met. For helping me get clean and still loving me endlessly, for loving me even when I was the least deserving of it. For never giving up. For our memories. The memories we have shared and stories, I will forever hold close and dear. For they are what will comfort me during my transition into the afterlife one day. In hopes, that if there is an afterlife we can reminisce once more. Thank you, for everything, Dad.

Being young and naive, I didn't say, "I love you". enough. For that, I am sorry. The saying goes, 'you never know what you have until it's gone'. That is the bittersweet truth. I spent the vast majority of my teenage years worrying about my social status and myself, when really; I should've spent it with you. I needed more time, but whoever and whatever that higher power is, they didn't give me an option, or even a chance to make my amends. Unfortunately, I cannot go back and rewrite, edit, or repave my past. I keep hearing that I shouldn't live in regret and guilt. I don't most days, but there is waves that crash into me at times; that I do. Yet, I know you forgive me, just as I forgive you. I forgive you for leaving, the morning you passed I didn't believe you left. I thought this was some sick joke. That you would jump out from behind something and scare me. That either you would wake up or I would. Considering I wasn't fully awake at that moment in time, I thought it was going to be me. When you died, I was angry, no I was livid. For days, weeks, months I kept asking myself how could you just leave me? I learned through time, that is apart of grief. I now know that you had a long and hard fight. A good run really, but you couldn't fight anymore, you tried. I don't know a lot of people who are having a massive heart attack that can walk themselves to the ambulance outside or send coherent text messages. You were a warrior. You wouldn't go without a fight. You fought and you got tired, and I forgive you, Dad.

Today is the day that you officially have not been here in 365 days, an entire year- without you. This has been the most physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging year for not only myself but for the ones around me as well. It is such utter bullshit that you aren't here, that I am actually writing an 'open letter', rather than a real letter directed towards you. Yet, here we are. A year later. You have missed a lot this year, from me getting my license(which was on your birthday), to the holidays, me graduating, and my birthday. We still celebrate how we would if you were still here, but I think I can speak for everyone, that it truly is not the same. I also think we can all agree, that it will never be the same. There has been an elephant in the room at every holiday, family dinner, and in passing with one another. We acknowledge that it's there, but nobody has the courage to voice themselves. Almost as if your death is some sort of taboo, forbidden to speak about you and your mortality. As if not talking about you being dead makes you not actually dead, or that maybe if we don't speak about it you will come back or we will heal. Yet, none of which are realistic.

I must admit though, this has been by far the most depressing yet humbling experience of my life. Before you dying, I knew people died. I just never really thought about it. I saw myself for the longest time as the main character in this story that we consider, 'life'. The main character normally doesn't just die. I thought I was invincible. As most teenagers do. Living with no care, second thought, or worry. You died, and then it hit me, 'Oh, I'm like really going to die one day'. Everyone around me is. Just one day we all will cease to exist. It scared me so much that I laid in bed for months at night zombified off prescription xanax to calm the rattling of my chest from my anxiety levels sky rocketing. In all seriousness, I would tense my body so hard that I would shake. I would check my pulse consecutively in the matter of an hour just to make sure my heart rate was normal and if it was still there. I soon found myself obsessing with the terrifying fear of death. You see, I even asked you as a child about what happens when we die. You paused at what you were doing and looked at me and said, "I don't know, and I really don't want to talk about it.". Which is fair because I don't think many people know or want to acknowledge that. It bothered me, because I know you were also scared. I just hope in your last moments that you found peace. I hope that we all do. This year I have learned that life is not fair and you have to deal with it. It's okay to want to tear off your own flesh and lay in the bottom of the bath tub until the water runs cold. It is acceptable to feel and to grieve as long as you feel the need. That you need to love the ones you have around you, now- to cherish them and tell them that you love them. That you should actually sit down and enjoy the view, literally smell the flowers.

There is not a day that goes by where I do not think of you. Sometimes I instinctively pick up my phone to text you the funny joke I just heard or call you to tell you about the guy that cut me off on the highway, I have to catch myself. My brain hasn't fully registered and wired you being gone. I don't think that will ever wire itself into my mental hardware. Anyways, I am reaching the end of this letter for you. I miss you, in every aspect. If you're out there, I know you miss me too. I love you, I'll be seeing you.

Love always,

Dena