Why is it that you show up when I least expect you—when my life is going great, when I have friends, when I've found a place for myself? Why are you always in the back corner of my brain eating away at every little piece of joy and happiness in the world? Why do you cause me to shy away from people who love me? Why do you control me? Don't you understand? I don't want you here. I don't want you to run every aspect of my life. I don't want you to breathe down my neck holding me in bed at 3 p.m. I don't want you bubbling up inside of me manifesting as rage and agitation. I don't want you pushing me away from my friends and family. I don't want you to suppress my appetite. I don't want you to make me gain weight. I don't want you here.

My life is not yours to keep. And although you pain me every waking moment of every day, you're apart of me. You will never leave. You may stray from time to time but you will always be with me. So the question is how do I live with you? Pills help for the most part; they keep you at bay. Loved ones are great and they push you into a chasm of sorts where I think you're forever unreachable, but you are stronger than they are and will always find your way back. You are the absolute bane of my existence. My heart aches to think that you will never leave me. My brain runs rapid at thoughts of you.You beat me down. You isolate me. You push me to the brink, but you're invisible, so everyone thinks it's just me. They think I hate them. They think I'm crazy. They think this is a phase. They tell me to just be happy—to go get what I want—to not let you affect me. But you do. You effect me in every possible aspect of my life. Still, they tell me to just be happy.

And how I wish it were that simple—how I wish you weren't in my life. I want to take a leap of faith and forget you but you're impossible to forget. I live everyday next to people who ask me if I'm ok. Here's the real kicker. I'm not. I will never be 100% ok because of you, but I will not let you define me. I may be riddled with you, but I am not you. Nor will I ever be you. I will not let you consume me. I will fight you every single day of my life. Never will you bring me to extinction. Never will you pull me down so far that I can't get back up. I will rise every single time. I will be the person you never allowed me to be. And although you may always be apart of me, I will never stop pushing you back. You are not me, and I am not you.

Sincerely,

I'm not ok, but that's ok.