Cancer sucks, I'm not going to lie. It's taken the single most important and influential person in my life. I'm not going to say that it's not heartbreaking because it is, but somehow you find the strength to get through it and day by day this world without that special person becomes your new reality and you somehow, someday find things to be OK again. You live and you grow and you truly move on to the best of your abilities. I can honestly say I'm finally in a really good place.

To see someone else going through the same struggles... That's a whole different story. Yes, sometimes it can bring up painful memories but it's so much more than that. Knowing that someone is going through the same pain you went through is downright heartbreaking. You wish you could do something to help but you know from personal experience there's nothing anyone can really do to make things better. I wouldn't wish this type of pain on my worst enemy. Cancer sucks. It kills me to say that this is happening to one of my best friends. I don’t know how she does it it, but damn she's strong. Most people don't even know that she's going through one of the hardest things life will ever throw at her. I'm seriously honored to call her my best friend. My Mom used to say, "It's not what happens, it's how you deal with it." She is handling the whole situation with such grace and strength that her Mom would be nothing but proud.

The nature of it...

When it comes to the way people act, don’t keep your hopes up. Don’t get me wrong; you are going to have a lot of amazing people that will lift you up when you’re down but there will also be people that are going to bitch about the most irrelevant things and you’re going to have to sit there and act like you care. Some people are too oblivious to know that you are going through such heartbreaking times but you’re also too strong for most people to know. Your mother raised you that way so you’re not going to want to burden anyone with your problems. If You think it’s too much for them to handle, it probably is.

My promise to you...

You're going to text me or call me and say, “I really don't know how I could do this without you.” But you do know how because you’ve been doing it alone for years. You are doing it every single day and all by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I’m here if you need me but this is going to be a journey you unfortunately travel alone.

I promise to help you any way I can. I’ll be there for you for the big things, the little things and everything in between. When your heart breaks and your knees collapse and all you want is someone that's going to make you feel like things will be okay, I’ll be there for that. I’ll be there to talk endlessly for hours about why something so awful happened to such an amazing human being because you’re gonna be pissed. You’re going to be really pissed. Life's not fair and you’re going to be mad and things aren't really going to make sense. In the mist of all the confusion and chaos, I hope to bring your spinning head back down to earth so you can deal with the endless emotions you’re going to have. I hope I can help you.

What's gonna happen...

When the cancer shows up the doctors will tell you they are confident and that it’s very treatable and I'm sure they have the best intentions of that being true. But cancer is unpredictable and sneaky. Sometimes there is no control. Sometimes there’s just nothing we can do. Cancer is the variable that determines our outcome; life or death, and it’s something you’re going to have to learn to accept; we have no control.

There's going to be a time when, for the first time, things are actually not okay. Your Mom, for the very first time, is genuinely scared and she’s not going to know how to tell you. She might not be able to tell you at all. She’s probably just going to cry. And you’re going to get this pit in your stomach because as positive and optimistic as you and your Mom have been throughout this entire situation you both know that this time it’s not going to be okay. This time things don’t get better. At this point, your Mom is most likely going to stop treatment.

You are going to have moments, like this, where life knocks the wind out of you for a second. It’s painful and heartbreaking but give yourself a few minutes, get back up and rally. You will have these moments and I promise you they will break your heart, but you will get through it.

“But it wasn’t some catastrophic moment that taught me one of the most powerful lessons of my life. I learned that unbelievably awful things can and do happen. In truth, they are not such rare, isolated events. Each of us has a story that would break someone’s heart. Despite the grief and the unfairness of it all, we keep going. There are chores to be done. There are people who still need our care. There is a life to be led.” - Aldra Robinson

You’re going tell me that there is a million thoughts going through your head and that you’re just going through the motions to get through the day. And you’re right. Things probably aren't making much sense right now. I can promise you that this span of time will create some of your most painful memories. It will take you months, maybe even years to sort out all of the things you went through and the emotions that go along with that. Be patient with yourself.

I am going to tell you over and over again that “I hope you’re hanging in there”. I say this opposed to “hope you’re doing okay” because I know you're not doing okay. There's no way in hell you could be doing halfway decent with everything that's going on. But if you’re hanging in there, you’re fighting and you’re surviving.

Please don’t forget it’s okay not to be okay. Cry. Be upset and be vulnerable. Don’t think that you need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because you don’t have to do this alone. Your friends and family are here to support you through these hard times. Don’t get me wrong I want you to keep it together as best you can but when the weight becomes overbearing, allow yourself to fall apart and be unapologetically devastated. You don’t have to be strong all of the time.

The transition from bad to worse...

When you get the call that the cancer has spread, my heart drops. Now more than ever before I feel guilty. I wish we could switch spots. I wish I was telling you the bad news about my own Mom and I wish you were the one being there for me. If I could take all your pain and make it mine, don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t do it. I’ve wished it was me since the very beginning. You didn’t deserve this, but that’s life.

For those of you who don’t know, patients with terminal cancer often get extremely confused at the end of their lives. In this case your Mom stops becoming your Mom. Slowly, the confusion gets worse. first it’s forgetfulness then the few words she can speak is absolute nonsense. You tell her about a big accomplishment in school and she stares at you with a blank face. Some of the hardest things I had to hear was my Mom saying that she was going to go home and get better and then we were going to fight this. The fight was over, the cancer had already won. Damn do I admire that strength because I don’t think I could fight through it like my Mom did. But it was heartbreaking to go along with it because I knew that unfortunately that wasn't the case. She wasn’t going to fight it this time. My Mom slowly stopped being the independent, spunky, witty, sassy person I knew and loved. You’re going to experience this. And if I could wish anything for you, it’s that you didn’t have to see your Mom in that condition. Nothing, and I really mean nothing is worse than that. But you’ll get through it.

My advice to you is stay in the room when people are visiting. You're Mother’s reactions seeing the people she loves are going to be something that stay with you forever. It's the truest form of love. When someone is out of it like that and you see the love they have for their family and friends, I can promise you it’s a memory and feeling that is irreplaceable. In these dark times of painful memories, you will have some good ones. You will have times when your Mom’s personality and character peak through and they remind you that under all this confusion and sickness “I'm still here.” Those are the moments I will cherish forever.

The end of the fight...

As time goes by, things get more and more painful. Then you are going to get to the week or the month, when you know it's over and it’s just the numbered days that stand in between now and the day you lose your Mom for good. Those days suck the most.

After the chaos and confusion you’re going to take a step back and you’re going to think, “damn, how did we get here...” Then you’re gonna tell me “It happened so fast” and it did, it always does. Time slips away more quickly then we realize and whether your Mom is sick for a week, a few months or even a year, it goes by in the blink of an eye. And even though you have been expecting this day to come for years, it still comes as a shock, a heartbreaking, world altering, life ending shock.

The end...

When the doctors tell you her time is limited and they are going to do everything they can to make her comfortable, you know it's time to ask me some of the tough questions.

You think they are going to break my heart but they don’t because I want to help and I want to give you the best advice I possibly can. Ask me everything and anything you’re scared to say out loud. Ask me if we brought her home to die. Ask me if I told her it was okay to go. Ask me if I cried in front of her. Ask me if I told her that I was going to watch out for my brother and my grandparents. Ask me anything. Because the answer to all of those is yes. Yes, we did bring her home because she loved being home and that's where she would have wanted to go. Yes, I did tell her it was okay to go because she needed to hear that from me, and yes, I did cry in front of her when I told her how much I loved her, the impact she made on my life, how proud I am going to make her, and that she made me who I am today. And yes, I did tell her that I would watch out for my family because she couldn't be there to do it so now it was my job. She needed to hear those things and after everything’s she’s done for me I owed her that.

When it’s time to say goodbye...

You’re going to tell me, “I don’t know if I can do this” and I’m going to tell you to look at how far you have come so far. Eight years ago, someone told you, “Your Mom has breast cancer”. You have made it through 8 years of worrying, pain, surgeries, chemo, radiation, heartbreak and endless challenges, you got this! Take things day by day just like you have been doing for so long. You’re so strong and I am so proud of you.

And when your mom is about to leave this earth and you sit down and talk. I mean really talk, tell her everything. Tell her everything you want her to know because I can promise you she can hear it. Tell her how she doesn’t have to worry, and she can let go and that you will make her more than proud. Tell her how amazing she was and that nothing she did was ever taken for granted. Tell her she is single handedly the strongest human being you will ever know and that if you end up to be half the woman she is you will have succeeded. Tell her she’s your everything, tell her you’ll be okay without her, and tell her you’ll watch out for the family. Tell her you love her, and make sure she knows just how much. She will hear it.

This is downright the hardest thing you will ever go through but the funny thing is you’ve already made it through the worst part. In some sense your Mom has already died. She stopped calling you to see how your day was, you two stopped cooking together, she stopped going to your sibling’s sports games, she stopped getting pissed at you for leaving messes all over the house and she stopped walking in to the room and lighting it up with her smile, heck, she stopped walking completely. You lost your Mom slowly piece by piece and it sounds silly to say but you already miss her, and that's normal. When she finally passes you probably wont cry, she’s been gone for a while. You’ve accepted it as much as you can up to this point. You knew this was coming. She passed peacefully with her family close and in the end that's all you really care about.

Your final goodbye...

You’re mom passed. You’re doing okay and you thank me for being such an amazing friend. I tell you I am so sorry and that I hope you know she will always be with you. I'm happy you got to spend the last night with her, she would have liked that. You’re so amazing and you’re mom would be so incredibly proud of you.

“These next couple weeks and even months are going to be hard but we will get through them together, I promise you, you wont be alone. We'll always find the sunshine. I love you” - Me to My Friend

Something to think about...

Life is crazy, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that fate brings people together. I believe our Mom’s are together, I mean how could they not be? Our situations are too similar to be just a coincidence. Our Mom’s were part of the exception, they were one of the good ones for sure. They were the exceptional type of women. Our Mom’s valued all of the same things in life and they raised two extremely strong daughters who won’t let anything, even losing their Mom, bring them down. It’s fate, it’s destiny, it’s something and it brought all of us together.

My mom used to always say that when she went to heaven she expected to have cabana boys bringing her margaritas on the beach so if they're together I’m sure they are causing all sorts of ruckus. But I know they are also watching over us, guiding us and smiling for the exceptional jobs they did at raising their kids. Our Mother’s biggest legacies here on Earth will be the children they left behind. We will do such great things in the world and I know that we will make our Mothers so incredibly proud.

How you get better..

When she’s gone, there are going to be a million things you wish you could tell her and telling anyone else really wont be the same. There are also going to be a million times where you wish she was there to give you advice. You’ll talk to other people about it but no one will compare. That's the sad truth and that’s why this sucks.

How do you get better?... Damn babe this one takes some time. You’re going to be heartbroken for a really long time and that's just the nature of things. But you will rally like you have been doing for the last eight years and you will be okay. Don’t hold the weight of the world on your shoulders. You have plenty of people that want to give a helping hand. Like I said before, unfortunately, this is a journey you have to travel alone. Just know I'm here if you need me, and I'm not going anywhere. I will always be there as a shoulder to lean on. Make sure you lean on someone. When my Mom passed, the only person who understood everything I was going through was my brother. I don’t know how I would have gotten through those tough times without him. He truly is my rock and no one could ever compare. He’s the person I leaned on. Find your person.

You’ve told me over and over again how grateful you are for our friendship. I'm grateful too, you got me and I got you and we have an invaluable friendship for life. A bond that can never be broken.

You're grateful for all the things I have done for you but I can promise you it was more than my pleasure. I have my Mom to thank for a lot of things. She really taught me how to be there for people and I'm glad I had the opportunity to help you any chance I could.

You tell me how proud my mom must be of me. And I already know this because in the back of my head, when I was doing every little thing for you I know my Mom would have wanted someone to do that for her daughter and her family. I know she’s somewhere watching and smiling. But that's what you do when someone needs you, you do anything you can to help. She would want me to pay it forward, after all that is how she raised me.

Always be grateful...

People think I am crazy, but I am very grateful for the time I have had with my Mom. My Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2006 when I was just getting into sixth grade. I was 11-years-old and my brother was 9-years-old. And although it was very painful to go through something like that at such a young age, my Mom survived. I would do it all over again if I had to. Realistically, I could have lost my Mom in middle school, I am fortunate every day that that didn't happen. My Mom was able to see both my brother and I play sports throughout high school, get our license, go to prom and graduate.

Although we still lost our Mom at a young age (19 and 18), we are blessed for the eight years from middle school to college that we were not guaranteed. My mom may never be at my college graduation, or my wedding or the day my children are born and that absolutely breaks my heart but I was still fortunate enough to have her around for 19 years that we filled with beautiful memories. She made me the person I am today. We are all grateful for something and if you can find some good in times of bad you will do just fine. Be grateful for small things, big things and everything in between. Count your blessings not your problems. Even on my worst days I still think this life is a blessing!

At the end of this whole thing, we’re lucky to have each other. It is the truest friend ship I’ll ever know. To be there for someone, truly be there, when they need you most. That is an inseparable bond and an invaluable friend for life. I thank you for that and I cherish our friendship more than you know.

I'll never understand why such bad things happen to such good people. But every day I'm forced to see a bigger reason to why all of these things happen. I'm still healthy and I know I'm going to make my Mom so incredibly proud. After all, she raised me to be fiercely independent and go after anything I wanted in life. I know Mary will be the same exact way. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. You guys are so strong and you have persevered through unimaginable difficulty.

The outcome...

You’ve told me before that you find comfort in knowing I am okay. That's good because in time you will be okay, too. We will get through this together. I made a promise to your Mom that you would never be alone an I intend to keep that promise.

In May of next year, we will walk across the stage, both having lost our Mom’s and we will proudly receive our diplomas. We can thank our Moms because we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them. They made us into the people we are today, for that I am eternally grateful.

“The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong, and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.” - Elizabeth Gilbert