To My Father:

It is only recent that I have become much more open about our relationship, or lack there of. I spent so many years of my life trying to pretend to have this perfect brady brunch life and trying to mend a relationship that was never really there. In fact there are probably many confused people reading this right now because as far as they knew, you & I had a normal father-daughter relationship. It is not something I talk about and something I've hidden from a lot of my friends over the years. I never wanted the sympathy or that guilty look people get in their eyes when you tell them that your mom is a single mom. That being said, I've thought about writing this for a while now. It was much harder than I thought but sometimes the best writing pieces evoke the biggest emotion and what better time to write this than on Father's Day.

So, where do I begin? A part of me is still angry, a part of me is still sad, and a part of me is learning to accept something I cannot change. For such a long time I blamed myself. I thought there was something wrong with me because you left. I was the epitome of that little girl in the movie that was looking out into the audience on her recital day and searching for someone that would never come. As a child, that's a feeling I will never forget.

Since then, most of my life has been a vicious cycle of you leaving, coming back when you wanted, and leaving again. I gave you chances time and time again, and each time you would leave me disappointed and hurt all over again. I've watched over the years as you chose every other pointless person over me. It took an emotional tole on me. I believed I was unlovable. I believed that no man was capable of loving me. I believed that no man would stay, not if my own father couldn't. Somewhere along the way I stopped catering to your monthly (if that) phone calls. I stopped caring, for the most part. I stopped coming when you needed me, because I needed you a long time ago. I think there will always be a part of that will wish we had a normal relationship, especially on a day like today. I will never be your typical daddy's girl, I will never tell the story of how my dad was the first man to show me what real love is; the list goes on and on. However, the older I get the more I move past this. From as long as I can remember you were absent from my life, so why would I suddenly need you now?

Father's Day is still a day I cringe about. I still feel guilty sometimes, even though I have no reason to feel guilty. I still blame myself sometimes. I still hurt sometimes. I still cry sometimes, but there are two very important lessons I have learned over the years. One being that having someone in your life half way is worse than not having them at all, and the second being that the only way to truly be happy is to eliminate all the toxic people from your life, blood or not.

You see, this isn't a letter to tell you how much I wish things were different. This is to tell you that at 21 years old I've finally come to terms with what we are, and what we will never be, and what everyone else around me is. I've realized that a dad was something I needed years ago, but not anymore. Your absence forced my mother to raise 4 kids on her own. While you were there for my sibling's childhood, you were never there for mine. They can remember a time when you were there, I cannot. My mom has raised me into the strong, independent person that is writing this letter. She took on the roll of both mother & father and did a kickass job. It's something I don't give her enough credit for. Aside from her, many people have filled your spot since. My sisters and brother are still my rocks, regardless of our differences and disagreements when it comes to a relationship with you; and god knows no one understands more than the people that lived through it with me. My god father has always treated me like one of his own. My boyfriend has shown me that a man can actually love me and mean it, after so many years of thinking it wasn't possible. Aunts, Uncles, extended family, friends and their parents- they've all filled the void you left me with, and now I am finally whole.