Dear Lexapro,
I was afraid of you before I even met you because I believed that my depression was a part of my personality and that if I caved in to you, I would be ridding myself of who I was. I would be depriving my friends of my true self and the last name I wanted to be called was fake. The first time I made your acquaintance, you were too much; overwhelming and had more control than you should have. Yes, I was happy, but too happy. Maniac. Panicking. Suicidal. You made me feel worse than I should have.
So I gave up on you, but I never told anyone that I did. I flushed the rest of you down the toilet and breathed a sigh of relief until I relapsed into the same old feelings I had before. Oddly enough, it didn’t bother me as much as it should have because I was comfortable with the familiar sadness and the happiness you provided me with made me uncomfortable. I didn’t like being happy because “happy” wasn’t the normal for me.
These past few weeks, I decided I had enough of trying to avoid you and the only reason is because I know myself; I understand that fall semester with back-to-back holidays that I don’t celebrate anymore are the hardest for me. It always begins in late September and when the traces of the little snow we had melt away in January, I feel a bit better. I caved in to you once again because I know, deep down, that I need you.
We’re back together again, Lexapro, and to be honest, I feel better than I have in a long time, but not to the point where I feel as if I’m a stranger to myself and to my friends. These feelings of happiness are neither foreign to my brain nor unwanted. I gladly accept them with open arms. I’m just a “happier version” of myself. I am balanced, I am more patient, and I have the time to think about my actions and words before they unleash.
For anyone out there that may feel hesitant to take medication when they need to, I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay to go through emotions and feel conflicted about it. If it isn’t helping you, consult someone, but if you’re refusing to take it because you don’t want the positive changes it brings then you need to realize that the problem isn’t the medication, but it lies deeper within yourself.
I hope for the best and thank everyone who helped me come to this realization.
-E.S.
