Leukemia,
I remember the first time I heard your name, we were in fourth or fifth grade. We had just started reading a book called Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes. It was about this little girl who had contracted a life-threatening disease from the atom bomb in Japan. She spent her free time folding paper cranes because of a legend that said a sick person who folds one thousand paper cranes will be granted a wish in order to make them healthy again. At the time, this book, although sad, had nothing to do with me. But now more than ever I'm still wishing I could have helped fold more paper cranes.
You moved quick, we hardly even knew he was sick before it was too late. It felt like one day he was there, the next he wasn't. The doctor's continuously reassured his family they had caught it in time. They told us a million times he was going to be okay. Little did we all know what the future had in store.
I remember the day distinctly. I walked into the first period and saw a few desks empty but it didn't strike me as odd. I mean, even I had thought about dodging this test Mr. Wainwright had waiting for us. I sat in my chair and watched as he walked in... That's when it hit me. I looked at all the tissues. All the sniffles. So many tears. Then I saw my best friend flagging me into the hallway. Mr. Wainwright told me it'd be best if I left before the announcements.
I walked into the hallway as she wrapped her arms around me and whispered through cough and tears, "James. He's gone." I felt the world collapse on my shoulders. Had my prayers not been enough? Why him? God, how could you let this happen? In an instant, my whole life had been flipped upside down all because of you. You took his life and watched as we crumbled around the thought of a life without James Couillard.
I had been through loss but nothing like this. I blamed the doctors. I blamed the nurses. I blamed God. I cried uncontrollably, all the time. I couldn't sleep at night. It was awful and all I wanted was for him to come back. I wanted to see him riding his skateboard wearing his signature blue enjoi shirt with the white shades to match. I just wanted it to be a nightmare we could all wake up from.
But see, there is no waking up from you. You are a damn nightmare that comes all at once and stays forever. There's never a day your presence leaves. I see you in skate shops, in white sunglasses, in Pittsville, in bus windows. I see you everywhere I should be seeing him. You took his life so you can replace it with your own and I hate you for that. I can't leave my house without seeing the pain you caused somewhere.
You're evil. You're toxic. I had to attend one of my childhood friend's funeral because of you. Now I'm watching as you take another friend, although not directly but from the pain, you caused almost four years ago. You take what we love and ruin it for your own amusement.
I will never forgive you. I will never look at this as a "he was ready to go" situation. He was sixteen for Christ sake! He had his whole life ahead of him and you took it like it meant nothing to any of us, like he didn't have family and friends who would suffer. I don't understand how people can say this was meant to be. I loved him, man. We all did. So why wasn't that enough?
I'll never understand why it had to be him. I don't know why you chose the sweetest boy I've ever known. I don't know why you decided his life was at your disposal. However, I do know I will not rest until you don't cause anyone the pain you have caused this community. I will do what whatever I have to so you are defeated once and for all.
Until then, I'll be folding paper cranes for James like it's not too late.
