When you are sitting alone in an empty hospital waiting room, wondering if you'll ever see the light of day again, because someone you love is in the next room, screaming because she doesn't want to get an MRI today, you know pain.

When tears can't help but run down your cheeks at three am, as you silently cup your hand to your mouth, hoping to not wake your mom and sister who are finally getting some sleep next to you, thinking to yourself, "Will it hurt like this forever?" you know sorrow.

When you go home after a week's worth of visiting the Ronald Mcdonald house, which holds not only your own family, but so many others that know exactly what it's like, and you don't know what to feel other than the fact that you are numb and wish you didn't have school the next day, you know sadness.

When you witness the one person holding you together, lose her hair, become fragile to the touch, cry in her sleep because her body is weak and hurts all over, and grow angry at the fact that she has yet another blood transfusion, helplessly watching her slowly lose her battle to cancer, you know anger.

When you are told, "Kasey, Cameron passed this morning, I wanted to wait until you got out to tell you because I wanted you to have a good day," and your insides fill with a mix between fear, disbelief, hate, and tears, you know heartbreak.

When I was twelve years old, I watched my sister lose her battle to Cancer. If you haven't experienced something like it, then you probably don't know how much it physically hurts to write this. It is one of the saddest, scariest, and most helpless things I have ever gone through. Everyday, I wonder what I could have done to save her. But deep inside, I know I couldn't, and I guess that's what hurts the most.

I didn't take time to appreciate you, until you weren't there anymore.

I didn't get to tell you I loved you, until it was too late.

I didn't get the chance to be the best big sister ever, until I realised I couldn't.

The past four years have been filled with hate. I hated not being able to say goodbye. I hated seeing other siblings having fun together. I hated the simple joy of smiling, because I knew you couldn't experience it with me. I hated not being able to watch you grow up, and attend your first Middle School dance, or learn how to drive, and get your first job. I hated seeing your friends in the hallway, because I knew you couldn't be with them. I hated move up day, because I knew it was another year I didn't get to see you. I hated parent teacher conferences, and all of the amazing opportunities I was offered, mainly because I knew you weren't ever going to get that. I spent so fucking long hating the world, because you weren't in it.

After spending years of hating the world, filling my wrists with an abundance of scars, and refusing to get out of bed. Spending days in the nurse's office faking sick because who the hell wants to learn when they feel nothing but emptiness, picking fights with anyone and everyone I could, throwing bottles of nailpolish at the walls of my bedroom, screaming out the last ounce of will I had, losing focus of what I was even angry about in the first place. I found myself in a downward spiral of sleepless nights and therapists among therapists, of uncontrollable anger and tears. I guess healing takes awhile.

It took four years. Four fucking years to learn how to cope with the loss of you, and I still have to practice every day. Some days are harder than others, but I have come to realise that I can't fix what's broken, and I can't win you back. Anger and frustration will not let me hear your voice again, instead just creating my own world of self destruction. It took awhile, and there are still bad days. But I am finding myself.

I am learning to appreciate the world again. I am putting faith into the future. Because I realised, just because you're gone doesn't mean the world is over. I have to continue on, and that's what I am going to do. For this world is full of pain, and when i have the chance to experience joy, I should take it.

I want you to know I am trying, that I love you, with my entire being. I miss you, every day. Living without you is the hardest thing I will ever do. But I have new goals, a new life to enjoy, an entire world to explore, with or without you.

I have started a new chapter of my life, beginning with an adventure. I guess what I need to say most is that, no matter how hard the world punches you in the face, you need to continue on, because this is YOUR life, and nothing can get in the way unless you let it.

Maybe I don't know what my life's purpose is, but I do know that I want to be happy. Wherever I am, with whoever I am with, I must not let pain take over the things I want to do. I will stare the devil in the face, and tell him to get fucked. Because this is my world. This is my journey. This is my life. I live my days with you in my heart. I live my life with only my goals in mind.

Thank you, for the incredible lessons you have taught me, even when you're not here. Thank you, for the memories you have given me. Thank you, for the experience to now someone as strong as you, and having the privilege to call you my sister.

So this is to you my love. This is to everything you are, and were. To your attitude. Your love for organizing. To the never ending obsession with Justin Bieber. The face you made when I asked for some of your Halloween candy, and dancing around to Your Love Is My Drug, by Ke$ha, thinking we were the coolest people to ever live.To the hot pink leggings you loved to wear. To sitting in the Boston Children's Hospital with Ethan at the Arts n Crafts table. To the legs you used to walk on, and the wings you so graciously gained. To being forever young.

This is not only an open letter to my angel, but for anyone who has ever felt the way I have. The world may seem over, but it's just the beginning. For it's okay to cry, as long as you let yourself smile as well. Take hold of your life, create your own Neverland. Live the way you want to. Because, that's all we have. Go apply for that College, go travel the world without hesitation, go find yourself in this mess, and always remember, you are never alone.

From,

your little big sister.