Dear Ghost,
Let’s just get this out of the way and call a spade a spade here, you, my friend, are an asshole. I’m not saying that maliciously either, I’m stating that as a simple truth. I don’t think you are an asshole in the sense that you strive to intentionally hurt people, you’re far from evil. Truthfully I will gladly argue that you are, deep down, a good person. That just does not apply to the you represented at this point in your life. At this point in your life, you are an asshole.
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Here we will define asshole as it was defined by modern philosophers
“the asshole is the guy who systematically allows himself special advantages in cooperative life out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people.”
My argument here is that at this point in your life you are so far up your own ass, that you are, to the lay observer, an actual walking anus with little to no regard for the rancid smell and discomfort you are causing those around you. How you got to this point, I don’t know for sure. I want to, I have traversed the internet for insight into this phenomenon. There is an obvious redundancy to what is out there to help poor saps like me try to make sense of this senseless lack of humanity, but I think I have found a few truths that are pretty accurate.
You’re Unhappy with Your Own Life
For this one I actually feel bad for you. Mainly because I was this person once too. At some point in our lives we have all been this person. And if we are being truly honest with ourselves, we have all been the Ghost Asshole that is the subject of this piece. When you look back at your life I can see you replaying key moments, looking for the metaphorical exit you missed that has left you on this highway of confusion and emptiness. It hurts me to know you are struggling in this way, as I know my own struggle was brutal. I stupidly thought I could help you through this, having myself been through it. I see now that was exactly the problem. Me trying to help is me acknowledging that you aren’t where you “should be” and therefore you resent me. Regardless of my telling you that life is a struggle for everyone, and your journey is yours and magic regardless of it’s detours, all you can interpret is that I am seeing you as you see you. I don’t. But that isn’t the issue. I am not the issue. You are.
You Hate Your Job
Having two brothers, and having grown up around boys as a result of this I know a universal truth of the male species; you are defined by what you do. This has been evident in the male psyche from infancy. Little boys will compete for attention, always trying to be the best. Even as you grow to date, it's the girls who have a boyfriend already who are the most appealing to you, because they represent a competition to be won. Therefore, for you to get up everyday and go to a place you hate, to perform duties you see as mindless, and to work with people who are glaringly inferior to your own prowess is demoralizing for a man. You still work hard, and you do a great job, but the ease of it bores you. You are unfulfilled, and therefore anything that seems easy you grow to resent.
When you meet a girl that you click with, when there is an ease to the dynamic between you; you grow resentful. You desperately seek a challenge in your life and you’re not getting it professionally so you seek in interpersonally. This is why you abandon the “good girls” in exchange for the “crazy” ones. You claim to hate drama and be sick of the games of dating, but the sheer mundane nature of your life makes you seek out just that to keep you feeling alive. I’m sorry that is what you need right now for a lot of reasons, but I’m not sorry that I can’t be the drama in your life you’re desperate for.
You Feel Like an Outsider in Your Own Life
Your friends, your siblings, your co-workers, your peers in general are entering a new phase in their lives. A phase different than yours, and that makes you feel off. You are around people and you interact and its fine, on the surface. But as you sit in a room of your closest friends you feel like a stranger, an imposter. You look at these people who have jobs they like (or at least don’t hate), they are fulfilled in their lives in a way you are not, and can’t seem to figure out. You feel like the kid in class trying to participate in a discussion about the book he didn’t read. You’re smart, you’re clever, you’re getting by. But you know you’re a fraud and that eats you alive. You’re not by the way, you’re just not them, and have yet to realize that it’s ok not to be.
You Don’t Trust People Anymore
This one I half want to go easy on you with, as I truly believe this one is only HALF your fault. I know someone hurt you. Badly. To nearly the point of no return. I say nearly, and you will too eventually. Just not yet. You were made cold, and you are preserving yourself in your refrigerated reality, mainly because you are afraid your heart is too fragile to play anymore. People tell you to trust them, I feel like you even want to, but your heart is literally frozen in fear and any potential warmth that would defrost it you are pushing away. That is what you did to me. I understand. I hate it, but I understand it, as I have done it myself.
You Are Generalizing While Angry
This is directly related to the previous point. You are still angry at whomever left you frozen in your sadness. The real crime here, and the one you are allowing to perpetuate, is that when anything reminds you of that person; a laugh, a joke, an anecdote, a question, a frustration – you associate the new person with the old person. Then you hold the new people in your life accountable for the sins of the fateful “other” from your past. So as we sit alone, confused, and romantically grounded for a crime for which we are unaware – you sit and convince yourself that we are all the same and cannot be trusted. You convince yourself that you are right in hurting us to protect yourself. I can see the logic, but the end game is tragic. Don’t continue to do this – you don’t deserve to be alone in life and grow even colder in the process.
You’re Intimidated and/or Insecure
All you see is what you lack. You don’t see me, or anyone else as the amazing person that can come into your life and help you grow. You see what I have that you don’t. You see what I don’t have that I “should”, you have lost the ability to see potential, and the understanding that a relationship is a partnership. You feel like all the other things on this list make you undeserving. You have convinced yourself you don’t deserve the “pedestal” of affection that is given to you by those who see through all the cynical bullshit defenses you have postured around you. When you noticed that I could see through them, you left. That’s sad for a lot of reasons.
But Ultimately…You’re Just Broken
All this together is a recipe for disaster. I can sit here and try to talk you down, but it’s not up to me. It’s not up to anyone but you. You will have to acknowledge all this, accept all this, and most importantly forgive yourself. No one can fix what wants to stay broken. Please don’t stay broken. You could be amazing if you gave yourself, and the world, just one more chance. A genuine chance, not another half-hearted, cynical adventure that ends without a goodbye. That is helping no one.
So to wrap this up in a pretty little package for you I’ll tell MY personal Ghost the following:
1. I am not angry with you, not anymore.
I was, for a person to just vanish after months of being a part of someone's life is cowardly at best; but realizing all this about you made me pity you more than resent you.
2. I do still care about you, as a human being, and I still do want you to find happiness.
We all deserve to be happy, even if we don’t ourselves believe that to be true.
3. I have removed you from my life.
Your number is out of my phone. Pictures of you are gone. I don’t wish to hear from you again. This isn’t out of spite, but rather self protection. I know me, and I know that my ever present desire to help people feel loved and cared for will click on if I see you, so I needed to make sure I wouldn’t.
4. I am fully aware that I WILL in fact hear from you.
Because that is how this works. Because you are not a bad person you will recognize the awfulness of all this and guilt will get the best of you. To reconcile with yourself you will at some point reach out to apologize; to seek redemption; to acknowledge your mistake in not seeing how lucky you were to have my affections.
5. You WILL undoubtedly seek reconciliation.
Which is by far the most infuriating part of the Ghosting Phenomenon.
So until we undoubtedly meet again my dearest Ghost, best wishes. The next chapter in this saga remains to be written. I can make you no more promises at this point. Only the future knows what is in store. Let's all hope for your sake it’s not a hard slap in the face.
P.S. I also would like to thank you for disappearing. I know me, and I am stupidly loyal so I wouldn't have given up on you. I would have suffered through you, but you leaving has made me happy. I feel normal again, and I welcomed back my friends into my world. My days have been so lighter and so much more effortless without you weighing me down. So thank you.
