Dear Sir,

How are you today? How has your life been in the past months? Anything exciting?

I’d love to hear about it.

My reason for contacting you today is essentially my desire to express some solidarity in feelings that you may have experienced in the past and may still experience in the present. Perhaps your body fat percentage is greater than ten percent, or maybe you’re not particularly muscular. It could be that you’re not six feet tall or taller, like me, or that your skin isn’t entirely clear. Maybe you’re not the most fashionably inclined person out there and just like to wear what’s comfortable and what gets the job done. If you don’t tend to spend much time outside, perhaps you’re rather fair, or your voice and affect do not bear a socially commendable level of machoism. Whatever the case, I’m sure that the constant beleaguering influences of magazine pictures, television and film actors, and social media trends have instilled within you some degree of doubt or have withdrawn from you some degree of confidence regarding your external appearance. I know that feeling with great intimacy, and with that, I am sorry that you, too, feel it as well.

I’ve often wondered why preferences like this still exist. One of the biggest puzzles for me involves the apparent contrast between modern intersexual selection patterns and the continual disbelief that echoes in chorus when one human, acting with ignorant, evolutionarily-endowed self-preservation instincts, effects a scandal or tragedy. Have we evolved, or haven’t we? That’s what I’d like to ask the people who focus more on musculature than morals. An extraordinarily anaerobically powerful partner won’t be fighting off the predators anytime soon because there are no predators. Neither partner has to rely on physical endurance in gathering roots, berries, or nuts to accompany hard-earned animal flesh. Sounds primitive, no? It is, yet sexual dimorphisms in America and several other countries tend to lead in this direction. I remember reading once that the average height of an adult male in Thomas Jefferson’s day was five feet, seven inches, but today, in the United States of America, that average is three-and-change inches taller; we are, in fact, getting taller as a male population, and as anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of evolutionary biology understands, this is because taller men are more frequently having children than shorter men. Of course, it is ingrained in us to exhibit a lustful response to attractive partners because even as our forebrains have evolved, our hindbrains still run much of the show. But I am specifically referring to real relationships, to the conundrum involving so many divorces, broken hearts, and tarnished feelings even when initial conditions seem to be optimal.

Alternatively, more profound motivations might provide the groundwork for these trends. Today, having the most money gives someone power analogously to having the strongest, most enduring bodies 50,000 years ago. Has wealth taken the place of sustenance and shelter? Of course, it has; we invented the concept of wealth. So one might expect that the some of the most favorable traits include charisma, intelligence, and confidence. But maybe you’re not the kind of guy who leads with such commanding force as a charismatic and instead lead with a more gentle hand. You might be extremely intelligent, but many potential partners have attributed the idea that “He’s too smart; his intelligence intimidates me” to the lack of drive to even investigate the possibility of a relationship. I really don’t know where someone crosses the line from non-intimidating to intimidating intelligence. But people can’t modulate their intelligence, merely the effort that they choose to exert in the pursuit of their goals. In my case, people call me intelligent, and I recognize that I have been gifted with a certain level of inherent academic aptitude, but the kind of successes I enjoy are not proportionate to simple intelligence. I achieve what I do because I work assiduously for the endeavors in which I believe.

Have I crossed that line?

I’m not sure, but I suspect that it has influenced a portion of my interactions in the past. Finally, are you confident? I can’t say that I am – entirely. This country has developed into a place in which the collective voice of readily accessible sources of information says to us that, unless we attain the pinnacle of physical attractiveness, we don’t deserve to feel confident. I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen a person in Men’s Health without a six-pack. You can turn on your TV to find shows like “The Biggest Loser” and “Dance Your Ass Off” and see contestants desperately try to lose weight with some final prize in their eyes, becoming encumbered with drama as tensions inevitably precipitate. The winners are propagated as people who “have new lives” and “are so much better off.” Do we know anything about these winners’ interpersonal skills? How are their social lives? Are they good people? Unless we go looking for these questions, let alone their answers, we can’t find them for the piles of before-and-after pictures and pestering gym membership offers that obscure them from us. I’m not sure that most people realize just how many of those contestants have regained the weight and more, further compromising their health, because the change was not about health, but rather about money. If we think for one second that we are happy, there is a party out there to tell us that, in truth, we aren’t, and that we should change our lives in this particular way because the result would, of course, leave us so much better off. We collectively flood these industries – fitness, dietary supplementation, cosmetic surgery, cosmetic and hair products, high fashion – with money, but the design their advertisements, in my opinion, is one of the lowest blows with which anyone could hope to exploit someone: they promise us happiness. If there is a human alive who wouldn’t be tantalized with the prospect of any or additional happiness…well, I doubt it.

Here’s my experience. After only having one crush in grade school and probably scaring that person away with how I approached the situation, I entered high school, that dynamic period that likely features the greatest number of romantic attachments per unit time of all of life. Hookups and breakups reduce relationships to astounding brevity and the reasons for their formations remarkably superficial. Needless to say, however, entering my final semester of high school while never having enjoyed a friend-plus companion felt quite strange. I wondered if it would happen but did little to investigate with little confidence. But back then, I was incredibly physically fit, participating in three sports and putting in at least 12 hours of additional, non-required training each week. Out of the healthy people in that school, I probably had the lowest percentage of body fat and one of the highest cardiorespiratory endurances – my resting heart rate dropped to 42 bpm sometime during my senior year. I completed two workouts each weekday and one on the weekend, molding my body into a strong, flexible instrument. At one point, I did an extended plank for a talent show and removed my shirt to prevent massive sweat absorption and clinging, as often occurred during my morning training, briefly showing my upper body. Yes, I did have a six-pack, and while my arms weren’t huge, you could see individual striations on my medial pectoral attachment. With these features in place, together with the fact that I enrolled myself in the most advanced coursework possible, did I have a romantic relationship?

No, I felt sad and lonely, and I know why. I didn’t invest anything into social connection and was a horrible friend to those who tried to reach out. Even as I lived by my internal moral code, I didn’t draw enough peace from that to allow myself to believe that I was someone worth befriending and loving, and I poured all my energy into fitness and academics. I shared this story to explain to you how I know that it’s the person who you are, the manner in which you treat other people, that matters the most. Of course, this idea is prevalently cliché, but I am giving you my reason for embracing it. After I learned to be a better friend, a more sensible human being, and someone who realized his love of deeply connecting with other people, I became so much happier. On the other side of this transition, I’m now “unattractive,” with a generous amount of fat on my body, blemished skin, and still my relatively short stature, but I know that, in responding to the norm’s voices that cry for my attention, I would decide to surrender my happiness for no substantiated reason. Sure, I still feel lonely sometimes, and hugging my pillow isn’t quite enough, but I know that any successful romantic relationship begins as true friendship, a bond of mutual respect, honesty, and decency, a connection that lifts up each person simultaneously. Now, amazingly, because I made the right decisions, I know that I can be that friend.

In talking with some of my peers who have participated in such relationships, I have unanimously received the advice to wait, to hold out for the soul-felt right person. It bothered me and still bothers me that I have no experience in that area, not for the sake of simply having it, but because, when I do enter into a partnership, such wisdom would empower me to be the best partner possible. Even the difficult experiences I enjoy, as I know that they will edify me to perform better in the future, regardless of the circumstance, yet I have no “data” upon which to draw for analysis and further discussion in this realm. Do you feel the same? Do you feel lonely, too, and sometimes would give anything just to hold someone’s hand, to feel the touch of another human who accepts you without critique? I understand, but we must reach for that confidence that the external pressures tell us we should not feel and continue living for good, not because it might lead us to a companion, but because it is the right thing to do. If we consume ourselves with the loneliness, our brains will expertly find what they’re looking for even if it’s not there. I am asking you to have faith, just as I ask myself, that there is someone out there, someone whom you are meant to elevate and empower and he or she you in a two-way bond of support, respect, and compassion, a person who finds joy with you and not your body.

In good faith,

Daniel