Fathers of a daughter,

Being a woman can mean juggling on a tight rope. The complexities within us differ from those within a man. Both counterparts are needed to maintain humanity- both literally and figuratively- but that doesn't spare us from the stress of navigating gender roles. Every human being is unique in their gender identity, but there is a pattern I see all too often of a woman failing to understand the male mind because her father has not shown her. A proper example of masculinity is crucial within the first formative years. If a little girl sees her father speaking kindly to strangers, being sensitive to her feelings, and choosing his words wisely to reflect the self esteem he wishes for her to develop... then she is far more likely to choose a man of integrity over one of disrespect. She will forever hold her father up in a side by side comparison whether she realizes it or not. He is the first man she knows. He is the first example set for her.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

(Yes, that movie quote had us all reveling.) But I am not sure if that is always the case so much as the fact that we accept the love we understand. You do not have to be an abusive father to set a negative example of love for your daughter. If you view emotions as making you less of a stable man and that they are more of a womanly quality than a human one, you may be setting your daughter up for years of pain beyond yourself. If you are reading this and don't recognize yourself in the man I am describing above, go give your child a hug and tell her you love her. Not all of us have a father who puts his emotions on display. I am personally no stranger to having to trust the love someone holds for you. This is damaging and has shown itself to be in later years. We are all creatures of habit and if we get used to something being our 'normal', it may continue to be accepted as such. It has taken me years to even recognize that process was even happening to me. I was making excuses: "He was not properly taught to love. It is hard for him to say. He loves me deep down. If he's providing, he must love me." While those things might be true, the habit development of accepting less than I deserved had already begun. I ended up in many relationships down the road with guys who kept me at arm's length because of their 'inabilities' or weaknesses. Still, these qualities served as no alarm because I had never held a man accountable for his actions or lack thereof. Once again, I found myself making the same excuses for the males in my life: "He was not properly taught to love. It is hard for him to say. He loves me deep down. If he's providing, he must love me." I was so used to having to believe I was wanted with no verbal proof that I didn't recognize the dangers in someone not telling me. It was normal. I did not even recognize it happening until I fell in love with myself. I was quicker to fall into situations I knew I shouldn't be in but had soft spots for these individuals because I knew how hard their lives must have been to result in not being able to fully love. I thought I could change them. I thought I would be enough. And when I wasn't, I took it as a personal loss each time. Now, recognizing my own self worth, I realize that it is not a weakness to care for the broken. It speaks to my heart. But it doesn't have to mean it is acceptable to allow those around me to take advantage of me. Success in romantic love stems from a healthy self concept. A father's role is to become the voice inside his daughter's head when she is being approached and pursued. She should be able to differentiate between an unhealthy man and you. She should be able to recognize good love. You are the alarm that sounds within her when someone is not treating her correctly. She should not have to develop her own prematurely.

My father is a good man. I accept him for who he is. He loves me very much. Expressing his emotions is hard for him. He wishes it were easier. I am at peace with who my dad is. But in every relationship I will ever have, I will actively have to make sure I am not accepting less than I deserve because of my high tolerance for disconnect. We all have our flaws and no parent is perfect but if you are a father reading this, please understand that everything you do sets her up for what will become of her. The way she loves and receives love depends on the way you show it to her or the way you don't. You are more important than you know in ways you may not even understand until you see her as an adult. Create moments with her now that will show up in 20 years when she walks down the aisle. Demonstrate to her that she is not hard to love. Doing so will leave her less susceptible to believing so down the road. And most importantly, speak to her in such a way that she can look herself in the mirror and believe it when she says "I am worthy of being loved- and I am worth hearing it."

LOVE,

A daughter