First of all: I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for pushing you away and for hurting you so much. I'm sorry for being so insecure to the point where you didn't know how to deal with me.
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I have to tell you some things about myself that I didn't have the courage to tell you before:
I don't like myself. It has been a while since the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and loved what I saw. I see how my stomach looks when I'm standing with my bra on and I hate it. I see how my face looks without any make up on, and I can see all of the pimples and flaws. I look at my thighs and I hate them. I look at my arms and I hate them. There are a few things that I don't hate about myself, and I need you to understand that the reason why I could never take compliments, the reason why I couldn't believe you when you said that you loved me, was not because I wanted to hurt you, or because I wanted more attention. The reason why I didn't believe you was because I couldn't see what you used to tell me you saw in me.
I have never been the girl people fall in love with, or the girl everyone wants to talk to. I constantly think that I'm not good enough, and I don't understand why anyone would ever choose me when they can choose someone better than me, someone prettier than me, someone smarter than me. I really can't picture anyone having a crush on me. I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep.
I pushed you away, because I didn't want to hurt you, but ended up hurting you more than I intended to. It's a thing I do. I always distance myself when people become close to me. I keep pushing people away when all I want is for someone to be there for me, for someone to hold me tight and let me know that everything will be okay. Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but some day.
I am always smiling, and joking around. I am very sarcastic, and sometimes pretend to be cocky and confident, but the truth is, that's all just part of an act to keep people from knowing the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've cried myself to sleep, how many times I've lost hope, and how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back tears, and how many times I've blamed myself for pushing away people that I really cared about.
I push people away, because I've been replaced before, because everyone always walks away. I push people away before I start to have feelings for them, because I am scared to fall in love. I'm scared that one day they will see me as I see myself. I'm scared that they'll realize that they're worth more than I can offer. I'm scared they will walk away, and I'll be alone once again.
I'm a scared, flawed, and very insecure girl, and I wish I wasn't. I also know I'm selfish, because I'm always trying to protect myself from getting hurt, that I don't really notice when I hurt other people. I know I'm a lot to handle, and I'm sorry for that too. I have always felt like I was always too much, but never good enough, and I'm sorry.
