Well guys,
I'm gonna get really open and emotional here, okay? I'm probably going to make my mom cry after she reads this (if she reads this). Hell, I may even make my dad cry (highly unlikely, though, but who knows). I have less than a year before I go off to college... and I feel messy.
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I am a senior in high school, which means I am a senior in high school who is going through so many mixed emotions right now because of *dramatic scary music* college. Christmas break, for me, just ended about a week ago, and once Christmas was pretty much over, I went full throttle into worrying about college which lead to worrying about the future, like, I'm talking shit that isn't going to happen for another 10-20 years. I struggle with anxiety, and the mention of the future is a pretty big trigger for me, so this transition from high school to college is more filled with worry and fear than excitement. I sometimes feel like I'm paralyzed from the thought of going totally out of my comfort zone and into the unknown.
I know worry and fear is (probably) a normal emotion for students in my grade, so I know I'm not alone, but I kind of feel like I am which is bizarre because I know 176+ sisters of mine going through this same thing. We're constantly being asked if we've made a decision yet, what our major is, what we plan on doing, and I don't know if this is just me, but it makes me feel like I'm suppose to have everything figured out right now. We all (well most) turn the big 1-8 this year, becoming adults, and then it's like, bam, okay, now figure out what the hell you want to do with your life... Um, right. Okay.
It's a great welcome into adulthood honestly.
Anyways, I feel lost. I have a plan, but how accurate is the plan when you have no idea what you're walking into? I'll repeat again. I am lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I don't even fully know what I'm capable of, to be completely honest. So I find myself often looking towards other people: kids younger than me because they remind me not to take life so seriously, kids my age to figure out what they're feeling and doing, people I know in college currently to see how things worked out for them, and towards adults, too, because I want to remind myself that hey, life worked out for them, and it will for me, too. And sometimes, this doesn't completely calm my worries. Sometimes I wish there was an instruction manual to just tell me what to do.
I've come to realize that this wouldn't do much, though because everyone ends up in different situations and different outcomes, and we're all pretty different, overall. So instructions would be useless. I guess that's why none were made. We're just supposed to figure it out. I don't completely know if I'm ready to figure it out. I'm excited for what's to come, and I'm looking forward to the things I will accomplish and how my life will turn out, but I'm also scared. So I'm lost, and I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm going. Here's to figuring it out.
To seniors feeling the same way, you are not alone. We'll get through this thing together.
To my family, thanks for putting up with my emotions of a mess from now until later on. I'm gonna hold you guys close. To my siblings specifically, know that I am here for when you go through this, and you do have me to look up to. Know that I have not forgotten about you and remember that I am here. Always. No matter what.
To my close friends, I hope we stay in touch. I really do. And even if we don't, know that I'll never forget you.
To my youth group leaders, thank you for guiding me towards God and thank you for strengthening my faith. I know I'll be needing it.
And to anyone reading this, just a side note for if you know a senior, please remind them that everything does not have to be figured out right now. It will all get figured out one day.
With much love,
Katelyn
