If you were a fan of the Suite Life of Zack and Cody on the same level as I was, you know a fair amount of info about the Sprouse twins. (It’s too funny how autocorrect repeatedly insists that it’s Cole Spouse instead of Sprouse; like wow, yes, I would love it if he were my future spouse, thank you). But you probably don't know who they are as people. None of us do, really. But in recent years, Cole has grown into a successful artist who frolics through the field of the internet, leaving little pieces of his personality behind. To be honest, though, Dylan was always my favorite twin; the only crush of mine that comes remotely close is DiCaprio. But for now, here’s to you, Cole, you beautiful human being.
Dear Ole King Cole,
So, you started out as a child-actor, then went on to become a New York University grad with an adoration for anthropology, and now you adorn thousands of doting daddy-chanting teenage girls’ Instagram feeds as an accomplished photographer whose captions can be described as nothing other than poetry.
But far more important is your personality: a perfect bouquet of cleverness and sarcasm, seasoned with a stupidly funny charm. You melt hearts with an intensity comparable to the strength of Zack and Cody’s fear of Suite 613. (See Instagram caption below for full effect).
Unlike so many other men who preoccupy themselves with “being cool,” you embrace your flawed nature and turn it into something equally amusing and admirable.
At the same time, you're still irresistibly beautiful, like some kind of force of nature.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire? Exact resemblance? Intellect? No, ok, put the book down. I'm weak.
As young sixteen-year-olds’ fingers fly across their keyboards to reply to your tweets with pleading marriage proposals and profanity, they implore quietly under their breath: “why is he so funny?!??!?!?!?!?!?!”
Nah, it really is all just fun and games.
And honestly, I know a lot of people admire guys for their physical attributes and whatever, but there's almost a sense of your eyes communicating something without even speaking. Like a bunny simultaneously sniffing a flower and laughing. Again, see below tweet for poetry sample.
But, alas, it’s not just you—you utilize your twin brother as a valuable tool with which you communicate hilarity and mock nostalgia with a sense of both nervousness and confidence.
The extent of your glory doesn’t just exist on twitter or your own Instagram, though. It’s present in those Instagram side-accounts of yours: @camera_duels and @sprousemasterworks. Little pieces of artistic genius. Pure genius.
As we continue to walk the Grecian halls of the Museum of Fine SprouseMasterworks, we see yet another example of feelings translated onto a canvas. Some features seem to have gotten lost in translation. The caption acknowledges that, as well as tugs at the reader's heartstrings through mastery of language. Vivid imagery, Sprouse.
Ok, but if I ever see you in person, I'll be perpetually torn between respecting your privacy and wanting to claim my throne as a valiant participant in a camera duel. Actually, it's easy: the duel.
So, on a final note, thanks for being you, Cole, and please never stop. Thank you for preserving the existence of good art and not being a mass-produced celebrity. And thank you for standing as a testament to the power of words and sarcasm and humor and cleverness and thought. And for making us all wonder: where's an article for Dylan? Soon.
