Dear Open Letter to Open Letters,
What the fresh Hell was that garbage I was forced to read with my own two eyes?? You think you’re funny, huh? Criticizing a form of expression by using that form to form your opinions? Oh, real clever, real neat, real fr*cking original. I liked it better the first time when it was the hit animated/live-action Disney film Enchanted.
So many Open Letters to Open Letters have been written criticizing Open Letters, so why did you, Sean “Terrible Writer” Kirkpatrick, think he had something new to add to the conversation? That little quote-unquote joke near the end where the twist was you were also writing an Open Letter to literal open letters. What a reach that was, no one understood that joke. Too conceptual, too highbrow. Which is surprising, coming from the hack who wrote that godawful Duck article, or that even worse Pasta one. What’s next? Some sort of meta-textual self-parodying degrading article in which you call yourself out? What a vain, self-absorbed douchebag.
But back to the letter itself, what’s wrong with Open Letters? Not everyone has the skill to write something that would actually require critical thought or analysis, so they resort to cheap gimmicks. Is that so bad? It’s 2016! Nothing matters anymore – sexuality, gender, racists are allowed to be openly racist again! It’s amazing how far you can go with your opinion, so why try to curb that? It's only a matter of months before President Donald Trump – YEAH, I SAID IT – finally puts an end to all those Liberal Queers who write Open Letters to Open Letters. I cannot wait for that day that finally brings an end to the commies at the New York Times and MSNBC.
Hey dumby, ever heard of a thesaurus? Your article read like a pissbaby 12-year-old having a meltdown because his mommy took away his Xbox controller and he can no longer call his friends f*ggots while destroying them at Destiny or whatever. Nice try, numbskull, I’ve got so many words! So many big words to outspeak you more than you’ve ever been outspoken before! But why would I waste my time on a loser like you? I’ve got better things to do like, I don’t know, writing something actually meaningful.
In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with Open Letters. They’re great! Young Millennials can vent about whatever grievance enters their privileged lives with virtually no consequences! What’s so bad about white people drowning out other voices with pointless diary entries that are published online? I, for one, welcome the privileged and entitled and ask that they tell me more about how hard it was that the barista at Starbucks spelled their name wrong. Tell me everything about the woman who’s dog barks all day while you smoke weed that you bought with money your parents sent you from your trust fund. I want to know every little detail about how hard it was for you to have to seem homeless people when you and your friends spent spring break in Costa Rica.
And to you, Sean Kirkpatrick, author of An Open Letter to Open Letters:
Go fuck yourself.
Sincerely,
Tired Of People Who Are Tired Of Things
