Dear Dad,
Did you forget about me or do you just not care? I don’t know the answer anymore and truly don't want to. As a kid growing up, I missed out on more things than I can put into words because of you. I missed a childhood with two parents loving and supporting me. I had just one, but because of that I am stronger. Your relationship with your wife has destroyed your relationship with me. I question every day if you will be the person to walk me down the aisle at my wedding or if it will be someone else. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you or about what things would be like if you played an active role in my life, but you have always had another family that came before me. I have grown to accept that, even though it hurts me and cuts me to the core knowing that you will never choose me over them. Even though I was a part of your life before any of them, the day I ask you to be in mine will be the day I know I will lose you in my life forever because it has always been them before me.
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I miss the days where I used to be able to see you every day. The thing is that I can barely remember them any more because it has been so long. I still dream about when you used to send me roses on sweetest day and my birthday just to make me feel special, but now I don't remember the last time you did that for me. The only thing I remember is it was the one thing that made me feel like I was still your princess and that you would always be there for me no matter what. Dad, I honestly don't remember the last time you made me feel that special. It has gotten to the point where I question if I'm even going to hear from you on my birthday in a text or a phone call. Is it really that hard to take five minutes out of your day to wish your oldest child a happy birthday? I always know for a fact that on my birthday I won’t hear from either one of my sisters, and there is never a chance I will hear from your wife.
I know now that my life is different from my friends because they were raised by mom and dad, but I was raised by aunts, uncles, grandparents, and mom. They have made me the strong and confident woman I am today with little help from you and your wife. My family has bent over backwards for me over the years just to help put a smile on my face, especially when I’ve had to hold back tears every time someone asked me about my father or why they’ve never seen him before. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I have been jealous of some of my best friends because they all had the one thing that I have been dreaming about and wanting my entire life, a dad that showed up and was there for them no matter what the event in their life was. Dad, you never showed up for my sporting events or school plays, but you always make it for my sisters' events even if it is a day that we are supposed to see each other -- you canceled on me for them. I also know that I have always gone out of my way to be there for my sisters, to make sure they know I’m there for them, but I guess those roles don't go both ways. I guess I should get used to the fact that you and your wife don't want me to as a role model for them even though that's what I am supposed to be as their older sister. I also know that when I have asked to see them and hang out with them, you have said no and always gave me some sort of ridiculous reason as to why.
I’m thankful I grew up in a stable home with a family who raised me to be a strong, kind, confident, and forgiving young woman I am today. But as forgiving as I am, there is still one person in my life that I don't think I will ever be able to forgive no matter how hard I try, and that person is your wife. Honestly, the reason I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her is because she took things from me that I can never get back no matter how hard I fight for them. Things like a childhood with two parents, a dad that shows up to my sporting events and school activities, a life that isn't divided up by court systems telling me which parent gets to see me and when, the confidence and self worth that has taken me years to regain and its still not all back, the nights I have spent crying my eyes out trying to understand why I got put into all of this, and a life with two parents to come home to every day.
The thing is, I know that you want us to move on from it, but I can’t just look over all of the pain I have gone through. The worst part of it all and the part that hurt the absolute most was when all of this was happening right in front of you. You never once stood up or defended me; you just let her rip in to me and destroy me emotionally. When I couldn't take it anymore and tried to walk away from it all, you chose to yell at me and tell me not to walk away; you wanted me to stand there and let her win and let her break me, but I never did. By then I had already started to dread going to your house every other weekend, and when I had to be there I would try to hide from it all. That was the part you never saw. You just thought I was being stubborn and maybe part of me was, but in reality I was just scared of getting hurt again and knew that if I stayed away from the drama I would be safe. You couldn't see that holding on to that little piece of safety was all I had left. Dad you are supposed to be the one man in my life that will never hurt me or break my heart, but you have already done both to me and I'm not even 20 yet.
I’m now at place in my life where I am happy with who I am as a person, and I am doing things that I thought I could never do. I am slowly learning responsibility and how to be an adult with the help of my grandfather and uncles. They have taken on the role of a father for me because you were always to busy with your new family to care about your old one. They have been there for me when you couldn't have been bothered to stand up for me or fight for me when I was standing defenseless against the world. They have helped me with homework, come to my games, been there when I needed help learning how to be fill out job applications, and helped me financially when you were nowhere to be found. Dad, you made me feel like I was just a problem you had to deal with and pay for, and that I was never a priority in your life. I have know grown to accept that, but there are days that it still hurts.
There are other women in this position might say that they hate you for making the choices you decided to make. As much as I want to and I have tried to I don’t hate you, I truly know now that I can’t hate you because I have tried to and it just makes me feel bad, but I am hurt and sometimes I get angry because of everything that you put me through. I know that my life would be easier if I just forgave and forgot, but these things are just to big for me. Trust me when I say that I have tried, but you cant truly forgive something unless you can forget it and this is just to big to forget. Although you and I still have a relationship that remains rocky and probably always will, I’m thankful for you because without you I wouldn’t be here or be the person I am today. There are statistics out there regarding families like mine and women like me who don’t have a good relationships with their fathers, but I am better because of it. I have gone beyond all of the statistics that are out there about people like me.
I guess the point of this letter is to say that I'm thankful of you because without you there would be no me and I wouldn't be the person I am today. A person that you have never taken the time to get to know and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have missed out on knowing the person I have become today.
Your Daughter
