I sit here tonight scrolling through my Facebook page when I come across a photo of you. I’ve seen it a million times before but this time it was different. It’s been a year since I’ve heard you - since you called me asking if I wanted to hang out on Halloween but I knew the end of us was near so I rejected your offer and hoped we could just rip off the band-aid when I saw you at school the following Monday. Little did I know, that was the end of us. I never got the chance to tell you what I did last Halloween...I just stayed home, handed out candy and cried over you and I.

You know, i’ve been wanting to write this letter since the moment I realized I would never see you again, but I only started writing it tonight because I was baffled at how I clicked on your profile page and I was finally unblocked. I noticed there was no evidence I ever existed in your life, which I already knew because the last time I clicked on your page I still saw stuff about your life and we were still connected through a stupid fucking social media website (that I share cute videos on so if anyone ever needs to look me up for some reason they would see a basic bitch instead of the boss ass weirdo I am at heart). I don't really know what to say when I hear your name or when I think i’ve heard your name anymore. For the past year i’ve constantly found myself lost in this world where we come face to face and I just tell you everything. I’m going to try to tell you all of it in this letter. Anyway, you either really fucking hate me and don’t care about what I have to say or you feel the same way that I do, but nevertheless please just read this because i’m way to scared to reach out to you in any other form.

The beginning of you and I: I don't need to tell you this, but come on, it's a pretty epic way to begin the next five years of our lives together. Um, okay where was I? Come on Vicki, relax. I’m sorry I don't know why i’m writing every thought that's going through my head. Probably because I feel like this is like one of our depressing conversations we used to have, right? Anyway, the beginning: Naive 12 year old me visits the school she ends up spending the next six years her of her life at. She’s playing basketball with some other kids when she gets hit on the head with a basketball and wants to sit down. Then you, Miss Thang. This shy, cool, intense and a million other adjectives that could describe you perfectly shows up in front of me and asks if I want to walk around the park. “Sure” I said. We must have talked forever, about our interests, boys, bitchy girls and why you go to that school and why I might go there. Until I had my weird seizure and had to sit down just in case I passed out or something. But even then you were a trooper, you just let me explain my condition and laughed at my corkiness and told me that my birthmark was freaky but awesome. Which till this day I still carry around in my heart because I know you wouldn't of said that if it wasn't true. Fast forward several months later, my best friend was the coolest girl in my eyes, we were inseparable, but had just started having those passive aggressive fights where we would pretend like everything was cool, even though we wouldn't talk unless we were trying to prove which one of our second choice friends was better. Things were getting harder, I became somewhat of a student to you. You were still self-abusing and you would teach me about clinical depression and would tell me how depressed you felt percentage wise. Which is so fucked up! You were awesome but I still think about that a lot. Time went by, we were "friend soulmates" again. And I know it wasn’t easy being my friend, all I talked about was being “in love” with the same guy who bullied me. Plus we never did have a whole lot in common, especially then. You were in your first or second phase of being super into anime.

The middle: Eighth and ninth grade was pretty hard on us. We were having a lot of passive aggressive fights especially because you stopped taking your depression medication and I was questioning whether or not I should be taking depression medication. But we were equally matching them with amazing and fun memories. The pier, our sleepovers and our inside jokes about our teacher and Wiz Khalifa in her basement (lol) as well as the Sheep Council. It was really awesome! But then we met, at least in my opinion the Yoko to our Beatles. I know you don't view him like that and I didn't at the beginning either, but after all this time I hope you could see my point of view. He never liked me the way he liked you, he just tolerated me because I was your number one. It took me such a long time to realize that he looked at me like some pretentious bitch and judged me because I had a chandelier hanging in my house. And honestly I don't care if he reads this because this is my chance to explain things. I spent the majority of the ninth grade talking to his mom and helping her find coupons while you and him played video games together, watched movies together and talked shit about ME and other people while I was pretending to be in the bathroom so I could give you the alone time you always wanted with him. In reality, I was standing on the other side of the door trying to eavesdrop even though I couldn't even hear anything. Do you remember how much time we spent talking about him and how you were so into him and how he was so into you even though he never did anything to show it? I had a crush on him too, remember that? Remember me telling you I would make myself stop having feelings for him at the book fair we were helping out at so you could make a move on him? I know you have a story of us but I need to say these things so please don't ex out. You really hurt me. The girl who had been by my side for a good almost three years.

The End: The tenth grade and the summer/beginning of eleventh. By far, tenth grade was filled with the most beloved (and shitty) memories, but mostly beloved. I came back from camp that year and for the first time was truly happy because I had realized a week and a half earlier that your “Jewish School Drop Out” (lol) finally loved herself and didn't give a FLYING FUCK about who did and didn’t like her. You weren’t bad either. But you were still head over heels for the guy who made me feel like a piece of dog crap that had been eaten by a bird then pooped out again. Other than that, things felt normal, at least when we weren’t around him; well even when we were around him sometimes. But the most life altering friendship forever moments happened when we went to go see Donnie Darko at Street Food Cinema but your dumb ass wore shorts because you wanted to look sexy (lol). Remember how I brought a shit ton of candy and sweets even though we still bought all that fucking food so we could eat our feelings and then cuddle as we watched the movie? You were my everything, we were everything to each other. Remember the day after I came back from my laser surgery and the right side of my face made me look like a purple Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and you told me it was awesome even though it was terrifying? And then you went to treatment and I visited as much as I could but at the end of the day I told you we couldn't be friends anymore. At the time I had a lot of shit going on too, I had started seeing my therapist because things at home were getting shitty again. Even though I took it back a few days later, what I said to you was NOT OKAY. The truth is, I don't remember what I said word for word but knowing me and what was happening to me - to us at the time, I can guess. Remember when we went to the mall and we thought my parents weren't able to pick us up so then we started walking home and then all of the sudden it started raining? That was fun, that was really fun. I mean it's not like our first conclusion was to rush home, if I remember correctly it was to take snapchat pics that made us look distressful even though we were less than a block away from my house. Or the time we made fondu? I think it was a shitty night because I was depressed over my bully/on and off crush and we were hanging out with the guy who hated spending time with me and worshipped you. Then when we got home and just started dipping everything in chocolate while we cried together yelled together and still barely managed to talk for the rest of the night. Everything changed after prom when all that shit went down and he broke your heart into a million pieces. I kept trying to put you back together but I couldn’t do it because I spent the rest of the day crying tears for you but also tears that yelled “WHY! I SPENT ALL THIS TIME TRYING TO PUT THEM TOGETHER SO WE COULD GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE HAPPY ALREADY!” But at the end of the day I gave up. On me, on you, on us. We spent that summer talking almost everyday even though I wish a bus would run over me before I had to video chat with you again and pretend like I was interested in the fact that you started dating some random new guy and wanted me to act like nothing happened. Eleventh grade. The end. The first time I saw you since I left for Israel two months earlier and the first thing you said to me was not a hello, not a how was it, but a quick shove into the hallway where you would go on to tell me about how heartbroken you were about some two week fling that you had to know wasn’t going to last. After that I felt betrayed, that's why I started becoming distant and stopped really talking to you. Plus the fact that you were still hanging around HIM! The same guy that fucked everything up. But that's besides the point. I’m sorry that for the first month and a half of school I could barely look at you in the eye let alone hold a conversation with you. You have to admit that the last conversation we ever had face to face was me trying to tell you everything I’m telling you now, while you denied to accept the way I saw our friendship. I’m sorry that when you called me last year to hang out on Halloween I rejected your offer, I was just stupid and insecure about myself and our future. Maybe things would be different. I’m sorry you left school and never got to yell at me for treating you like crap even though I know you didn’t deserve it.

The Present: Hey, how are you doing? I’m doing well. The only thing that is really bothering me right now is the fact that this is the only way I will ever communicate with you unless I grow a pair. You know I actually saw you in June or July. I was crossing the street when I saw a girl that looked exactly like you except with bleached blond hair and she was hanging out with a friend of hers. She’s probably way better than I ever was. It wasn’t until I heard your noise when I knew it was you. I wanted to walk up to you and just yell because you made me so sad for such a long time.I was also in this place of denial where I thought we would magically reunite somehow. Once I gained my composure I turned around and saw you running away which I guess means you saw me too. Hello, by the way, your friend was just standing there looking confused. She then picked up the phone and started staring at me like I was a ghost or the devil so naturally I assumed she knew who I was. Anyways the reason I wrote this is because I need you to know that I love you so much. No matter what happens to you or to me, just know that you will always have a special place in my heart. You are one of the few reasons why I’m able to wake up in the morning. I know that things change and that's okay, I just need to find the bright side of it. The memories I share with you are like no other and I hold them in a very high honor. I have never stopped believing that one day you and I will grab something to eat and just talk about anything and everything. Once again, I love you very much and if you ever manage to stumble upon this, could you at least send me a funny emoji or something so I know you saw this?

Sincerely,

Vickaliscous.