Making mistakes is a normal part of life, I get that.
I'm just going to start off by saying, I know that growing up comes with making mistakes. I understand that we have to make mistakes to learn and to grow, it's just a part of life. There's just somethings I wish I could go back and change in a heart beat, but I can't.
I lost some really great relationships in my life just because I couldn't pull myself together. I pushed, I pulled, I fought, I drank way to dang much, I was a literal crazy human being for like two years. I lost myself as a person for a really long time and I just couldn't figure out why. My biggest problem was that I couldn't accept change, I didn't want my "normal" to be taken away from me. For so long, I was hiding from my emotions and I didn't want to feel the pain. I tried so hard to be happy when I really wasn't and boy did that make everything 100x's worse. I was so hard on myself, I was trying to be so strong and I didn't want anyone to see me break. I lost a best friend who had passed away, I lost a grandparent to cancer, and I lost an amazing boy that I promised all my friends I would marry one day, all in a 2 month period. The end of freshmen and beginning of sophomore year were the hardest years of my life. I struggled. I honestly did not think I was going to make it. I was drowning. I did not think I was going to pull my head above water so I packed up my stuff and moved to find who I was again. I blamed everyone else and I never took responsibility for my actions.
Here's to the one I hurt along the way,
Our hearts are so delicate and when I reacted the way I did I know that probably scared the hell out of you. I acted out bad, I said things that cut deep, I brought up past things, I used what hurt y'all in the past because I was hurt. Hurting you was not my intention and i'm so sorry that I did. I was so immature and I was so fragile. I was the absolute worst human being to walk this earth for a while and I treated some of the best people in my life, horrible. I did not think twice about putting myself above y'all and I'm so dang sorry for that. I'm sorry for pushing y'all to a breaking point that made us cut off contact for so long and not even be able to be in the same room as each other. I'm so sorry to the friends I hurt because I would drink entirely way too much and would ruin y'all's night for having to take care of me. I'm so sorry for not respecting you. I'm so sorry for never listening and just taking matters into my own hands. I'm sorry for pushing y'all away when things would go wrong when you would just try to be there for me. I'm sorry for never giving you the space that you needed. I'm sorry for tearing y'all down and tearing any relationship apart. The reason I'm writing this is because every time we're together in person, I don't feel like I get everything out that I want to say. I can tell y'all how sorry I am until the day that I literally die, but that won't change what happened. I lost some really good people for a long time, I know I wasn't the only who made mistakes during this process. I know we were all young and immature, and we're still learning.
I will always be better than that girl you had to know for a while, because now you don't know her anymore.
I can't go back and change what happened but I promise I will always be better because I have changed. I have learned to listen before I speak and I started treating people the way I want to be loved. In the moment, you're never sorry. It's not until you've had time, possibly too much time that you realize just how wrong you were. This isn't me asking for another chance for our friendship or relationship, but this is me telling y'all what I've been wanting to say for the last year and a half. I am writing this to express my guilt and disappointment in myself, and to truly apologize. See, when someone apologizes if they don't change the thing they are apologizing for then it doesn't even matter. For a really long time, I had so much dang pride built up I would never have thought about doing this and for that I'm also sorry. I will promise to you that no matter how hard life gets or how much change comes along the way, I will never act the way I did like I did back then. I want y'all to know that I still do have much love for you and I will never put y'all through what I did back then. Please never be afraid to reach out to me. I know we all make mistakes and I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I will tell you though, I wouldn't have wanted to go through any of the things we went through with anyone else.
I learned my lesson. From the very bottom of my heart, I am so sorry.
Love always,
Tay
