Oh, iPhone, how precious you are to me!

With you in my back pocket, I feel I can conquer the world. Providing me with an incessant connection to others, and therefore allowing me no escape from unwanted social interaction, you are my greatest asset.

Your delicate frame, likely to crack if breathed on too heavily during a phone conversation, contributes to your value and encourages my excessive attention that borders on obsession.

Your reluctance to charge, to connect to Wi-Fi, and to sync simultaneously with both iTunes and iCloud, while occasionally frustrating, prompt me to express my gratitude for your positive attributes, like your identical appearance to all my friends' phones, making me feel socially relevant and secure. And let me not forget your Maps feature, which has allowed me to accidentally travel to many unknown, mysterious, and confusing places that I would never get to visit if I were to use a different navigation tool. You make me a better person.

Your myriad of ridiculous ringtones, vast assortment of unexplained and seemingly useless yet permanent apps, and countless software updates are more reasons why I love you. And what can I say about how fabulous you look in those obnoxiously bulky phone cases? You've never looked more lovely and practical since I put you in that pink bunny case with the two-inch-tall ears that stick out of my pocket.

I wouldn't replace you for anything, except of course the newer iPhone model — once I can afford it.