Congratulations! You have been accepted into college! We here at Such and Such University, want you to feel as prepared as you are welcome at this lovely and prestigious establishment. Before you get started, however, there is a list of things you will need to accomplish as illustrated in the timeline below. With that in mind, we realize that life gets busy, and you will most likely put off everything on this list until the last minute. Additionally, there are several other extremely important things besides registration, housing, and orientation program fees that will not be laid out or even mentioned in this checklist. That being said, we here at the admissions office do not care about your social acclimation; well at least not as much as we care about the official “to do” list we’re required to give you. College is about education and opportunity. Therefore, if you wouldn’t list it on your resume or find it at one of our many student organization fairs, don’t bother searching our website for it. We don’t know your name, but we’re happy to have you(r tuition money)! Good luck! You’ll probably never hear from us again!
Go (mascot)!
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President Signature
Office of Admissions
Email address@never answered in a timely manner.edu
(Phone number) - that never has a human being - on the other end.
1. Learn More:
Even though you already bothered to pay the application fee, we’re assuming you’ve not done any research on or visited our university. You can go ahead and ignore this part.
2. Social Media:
Now that you’ve been accepted to college, you need to let all of your friends and family that you’re not a total screwup, and that you have options after high school. Post a Snapchat selfie with your acceptance letter, update your Twitter and Instagram bios with our university and/or mascot, and don’t forget to change your education on Facebook so everyone knows you are “attending _____ University starting Fall 2016”.
3. Accept/Decline:
$150 Fee you must pay so we don’t have to do extra paperwork, even in the event that you choose not to attend. (We get the money regardless).
4. Financial Aid:
FAFSA, scholarships, loans of any kind, this is where all of that comes into play. If your parents are paying for college, you probably won’t think twice about this section/step at all. However, if you are paying for college on your own dime, this will still probably get put off until the day before the deadline.
5. Friends:
Find out which of your friends are going to this university as well, or go on the Class of 20__ Facebook page and begin your search for a new best friend, roommate, hookup buddy, study partner (anyone in your major), and do some general stalking to see the kinds of people you’re going to encounter for the next few years.
6. Orientation #1:
After you’ve partaken in 1-2 generic student-led campus tours, come back for one more while you meet with your academic advisor and pick up your ID card. Additionally, you will receive swag bags full of useless shit you’ll throw away at the end of the day. By the way, if you’re an incoming freshman, expect to take a lot of classes you took in high school with added bonuses of rigor and difficulty like you’ve never seen before. Sadly, the classes relating to your individual major won’t start until sophomore or junior year.
7. New Best Friends:
Remember all of the new cool people you met at the aforementioned/attended orientation? Well, you will smother them with texts, Snapchats, and Facebook messages while being certain that one of them will definitely be your new best friend and ultimately, your roommate. Your friends from home will slowly grow to “love” their new college friends as well, so don’t worry about maintaining those relationships at all.
8. Housing:
Yay! You get to pay $10,000 to live in a 10” X 10” cinder block oasis with someone who will either become your best friend or your worst enemy. Also, the food is great; not at all like high school cafeteria food. No, sir. This food costs $2,000 a year and is usually cold, even though it is primarily prepared in a microwave. Plus, if you should be so blessed, the fire alarm will go off while you are in the shower, hungover, eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, or a combination of the all of the above.
9. Senioritis/Graduation:
Ah yes, as the glory years of high school come to a close, the motivation to do just about anything related to school or home life is nonexistent. The many warnings regarding your future university revoking your admittance no longer scare you any more than they drive you to, “keep that GPA up” or, “work hard until you have a diploma in your hand”. Furthermore, any task or expectation requested by your parents no longer serves as any threat, because soon you will be the big bag freshman on campus. Regardless, you do have to graduate before the fall semester starts; so do your last bit of work or you can’t come.
10. Fall Welcome/Freshmen Orientation #3
Your time is finally here. You are moving in now. Welcome! Yeah, it’s another nice free swag bag. I like your futon; I bet it will serve for completely appropriate and memorable times. I see you put your room key and ID card on your lanyard; you must be here for engineering because you’re a visionary. Look at that, mom and dad are pulling out of the parking lot. Yes, that is what your father looks like when he cries. You’ll see him do that again when he gets your tuition bill. Oo icebreakers! I LOVE ICEBREAKERS! EVERYBODY LOVES ICEBREAKERS!! Wait, please ask me anything else other than my name, hometown, major, and what I’m most excited for in college. “Hey! I’m name you’ll forget by the end of this exercise, I’m from you’ve never heard of it, in I forgot that was a state, I’m majoring in something I’ll change in two months, and I’m excited to meet new people even though I’m super shy and awkward because nothing in life has prepared me for this.”
Welcome to college!
