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An Honest Cover Letter To Potential Employers

Reading between the lines of bullshit.

Halley Geringer

Oct 18, 2016

Brandeis University

An Honest Cover Letter To Potential Employers

Distractify

Dear Potential Employer,

I am a broke-ass college student majoring in something that will hopefully keep me from living in a cardboard box during my post-grad years. I am interested in quite literally whatever position you are offering. I have no standards, because beggars can't be choosers. I learned of this position through my 2 a.m. desperation after spending $40 on food.

I am intrigued by this job because I need money. I'm probably not especially qualified for this job, or perhaps I'm overqualified and in normal circumstances this menial job would be completely beneath me. But these are not normal circumstances. This is college, where I want to buy a ton of clothes I don't need and pizza I shouldn't be eating as well as certain liquid substances which I also probably technically shouldn't be consuming if we are to consider the fact that I have to ask my senior friends to purchase said substances for me. But hey, you were young, wild, and free and underage once too, right?

My relevant experience includes:

Coordinating

Organizing

Negotiating

Corresponding

Managing

Planning

*other resume buzz words to make your hiring manager heart sing*

*other bullshit in which I grossly over-exaggerate the gravity of the mediocre tasks I've had minor involvement in over the years*

*some more bullshit in which I try to make completely unrelated accomplishments seem remotely connected to the job description and what you're looking for in an applicant. I'm basically your puppet at this point.*

Working in whatever job you are offering would allow me to combine my love for indulging that little voice that says "treat yo' self" with my desperation for money to pay for such gluttonous consumption and my dedication to ensuring that you don't fire me so that I may continue to regret all my life choices and rack up an unreasonably large credit card bill (I prefer to view it as "accruing credit").

Please hire me.

Sincerely,

Broke-Ass College Student

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An Honest Cover Letter To Potential Employers

Reading between the lines of bullshit.

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

1. You feel like an elder.

2. You may feel lonely.

3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

8. You're happy you're still in school.

9. You feel like a guru.

10. You continue to grow.

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