Dear Potential Employer,

I am a broke-ass college student majoring in something that will hopefully keep me from living in a cardboard box during my post-grad years. I am interested in quite literally whatever position you are offering. I have no standards, because beggars can't be choosers. I learned of this position through my 2 a.m. desperation after spending $40 on food.

I am intrigued by this job because I need money. I'm probably not especially qualified for this job, or perhaps I'm overqualified and in normal circumstances this menial job would be completely beneath me. But these are not normal circumstances. This is college, where I want to buy a ton of clothes I don't need and pizza I shouldn't be eating as well as certain liquid substances which I also probably technically shouldn't be consuming if we are to consider the fact that I have to ask my senior friends to purchase said substances for me. But hey, you were young, wild, and free and underage once too, right?

My relevant experience includes:

Coordinating

Organizing

Negotiating

Corresponding

Managing

Planning

*other resume buzz words to make your hiring manager heart sing*

*other bullshit in which I grossly over-exaggerate the gravity of the mediocre tasks I've had minor involvement in over the years*

*some more bullshit in which I try to make completely unrelated accomplishments seem remotely connected to the job description and what you're looking for in an applicant. I'm basically your puppet at this point.*

Working in whatever job you are offering would allow me to combine my love for indulging that little voice that says "treat yo' self" with my desperation for money to pay for such gluttonous consumption and my dedication to ensuring that you don't fire me so that I may continue to regret all my life choices and rack up an unreasonably large credit card bill (I prefer to view it as "accruing credit").

Please hire me.

Sincerely,

Broke-Ass College Student