As a biology major, I can’t pass up a good opportunity to experiment. I love getting down and dirty -- in the field of course! Research, lab work and testing hypotheses is my game. My expertise is in plant and animal biology; I ain’t no love doctor! For one thing, biologists aren’t doctors, so where did you get that idea? My dates usually take place in a lab, and by “date” I mean experiment, and by “lab” I mean a lab. That’s the limit of my dating knowledge, but in the name of science I wanted to try something new, something foreign! Thus, my first foray into the science of dating.

The Experiment: using funny and overtly inane pick-up lines to attract unsuspecting test subjects.
The Hypothesis: most of these lines will probably not work, and will result in humiliation.

I donned my lab coat and science apparatuses, and I set out into unfamiliar territory. Namely, a bar and a dating app.

I started with the bar, as I thought this would be the best place to garner the most accurate results. As soon as I mustered up enough motivation to talk loudly enough so people could hear me, the experiment began. My arsenal included the following:

“If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.”
“You’re sweeter than 3.14”
“Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.”
“Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection.”

Test Subject 1: “You’re sweeter than 3.14.” Because it was so loud, and the subject was clearly inebriated, they didn’t understand what I was asking of them. Eventually I gave up trying to repeat myself, ordered a drink, and reaffirmed my commitment to the science. Score 0/10.

Test Subject 2: “If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.” A positive response was received! They laughed, we made good conversation thereafter, and I received a phone number in binary “01101110 01101111.” Score 8/10.

Test Subject 3: “Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.” Subject was already on a date, and therefore the results of this test were not used. Also, I had to book it because the date was right there. But they did like my pick-up line! Score 4/10.

After the third subject, I decided that the bar had had enough of me, the scientist. My subjects had consumed many beers, and was no longer able to properly record the results of my test. The next subject area was a dating app, which is much easier to work with! There’s no need to yell, and no one gives you weird looks for wearing a lab coat to a bar. And the results are far more positive!

Test Subject 1: “Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection.” Response was an immediate “lol” followed by “cute” with a smiley emoticon. I questioned the use of the emoticon, since it was such an archaic element of technology, and promptly ended the conversation. Score 6/10.

Test Subject 2: “If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.” Response was “boi bai” and the conversation ended. I did enjoy the phonetic spelling of those words though. Score 3/10.

Test Subject 3: “Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.” Another very positive response! Found out we have a common interesting in geology and herbology, and we’re still talking. Score 10/10!

In conclusion, the outcome of using funny pick-up lines isn’t a product of what line you use, but rather your confidence level and your test subject. The point is that they’re funny, so make them funny! Don’t use these on people who are already on a date, and don’t go to loud places unless you like yelling. Also, don’t wear a lab coat to a bar.

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