You’ve probably heard of a horcrux – an item that stores portion of your soul. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (more courageously known as Voldemort) made these soul-containing items fairly popular in his role as villain in J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter novels.
After Voldemort revolutionized the evil wizarding tradition of immortalizing oneself by storing one’s soul in important items, collegiate professors decided to forcibly immortalize all students by normalizing a method of mass horcrux creation: final essays.
Yes, you read that correctly. Some people call them final essays; English majors know them as horcruxes. Your final essay (if properly written) will contain a portion of your soul that you will never get back. Contrary to popular belief, your professors don’t actually grade your final essays based on grammar; they’re grading you on how much of your soul you successfully imprisoned in your paper.
Obviously you want a good grade on your final horcrux – I mean, essay – so here are a few tips to make sure you pass your English class:
1. Choose an item worthy of being your horcrux.
Don’t choose low quality paper, and definitely don’t choose a low quality topic. This is your soul we’re talking about! Treat your soul with respect, even while you rip it into pieces and store it in essays that will probably be recycled in a few weeks.
2. Kill something.
Don’t worry! It doesn’t have to be a person (I think we can all agree that Voldemort is a little dramatic). Chances are this step will happen naturally around finals week: you’ll kill your sleep schedule, you sanity, your “no-caffeine” streak, a snake, your roommate, your optimism… really, it can be anything! Basically this will tear your soul apart, thus allowing you to place part of it in the essay and keep the other part inside you.
3. Cast a spell to place the torn part of your soul into your essay.
Once again, you’ve probably been doing this without even knowing. Have you ever been writing an essay and then, in wild consternation uttered something along the lines of “I hope I get a good grade on this crap!” Well, congratulations, you’ve made a horcrux. Plus, it’s really the sentiment more than the specific words that count, so don’t beat yourself up if you said something slightly different.
4. Seal your horcrux.
Cite your sources. Print your paper. Staple it once in the upper left-hand corner. Remember, treat your soul with respect. You’ve literally put so much of yourself into this essay! Your horcrux is now complete. Feel free to pray over it one more time for good measure before placing it in your professor’s waiting hands.
5. Revel in your immortality.
You’ve probably been immortal for a while now and haven’t even realized it. Sure, your professors may destroy a few of your horcruxes by shredding them (just to save the planet, of course), and maybe you’ve even burned a few. That’s okay. You can always make more! Don't worry if you feel a little unstable after turning in your essays; it's a natural side-effect of tearing your soul apart and giving part of it to academia.
Warning: Tearing your soul into too many pieces can be dangerous. Most professors are aware of these dangers and will only ask for a few horcruxes throughout the semester. It may be necessary to reevaluate your course load if you are asked to create more than twenty horcruxes within a sixteen-week period. If you experience any maniacal tendencies, delusions of evil grandeur, or desires for world domination, you should stop writing essays immediately and seek professional assistance.
