An apology to the person who I owe it to most — myself
We all have those relationships that we look back at and realize how much we changed because of them. They're the ones that leave a bad taste in your mouth, the one where you can't believe how much you sacrificed, and it's embarrassing to look back on because of the person you became.
It's the love story that never took off, the hookup went awry, and all that's left are broken promises and emptiness between the two people.
As people say, "hindsight is always 20/20" and looking back now, I see that I played a huge role in my own heartbreak.
You were honest with me at the start when you said you couldn't give me what I want. But I foolishly thought that would change because of how much you wanted to be the guy for me. That was my first mistake. People don't change for others, they can only change for themselves. I created so many excuses for your lack of commitment, and I fell so fast and quickly that I was ready to do anything (and believe anything) to convince myself that it was just a "phase" of indecisiveness and you'd see that I was the girl for you.
I guess I fell for this perfect idea of us because in my mind we were perfect. We had the foundation, we had the connection, and we had the spark. But that's not how things work. There were so many other factors I conveniently chose to ignore to give you the benefit of the doubt.
I tricked myself into settling for half promises, and "not now but maybe later." I let this illusion of "us" cloud my rational thoughts even as we started to fall apart.
As I was trying to get you to stay, I lost sight of myself and I lost sight of what I deserved in a relationship. I held on too tight to something that never wanted to stay. I did all the things I SWORE I would never do again. I became the woman I never wanted to be.
I became obsessive, I became possessive and frankly, desperate for your approval. I also agreed to be second best, yet again. That was something I swore I wouldn't do, yet there I was, constantly in the shadow of the girl before me. It's embarrassing really, I compromised my way into your world and I kept denying the facts because I wanted you to be the man I knew you could be. I should have never put that on you. I should have never waited for you to realize what you had because I'm not someone you should be unsure about.
I don't know how I didn't see it then. I'm cringing just thinking about it, it's embarrassing to look back on because I romanticized my pursuit of you. I blamed you for my heartache when I should have held myself accountable and just walked away. I always knew better, I just chose not to believe the worst in you.
I got so carried away in pleasing you and being this person I thought you would desire instead of just being myself like back when we were friends. All that pretending, and impressing, and games drained me. I was putting every bit of myself into you instead of pursuing my dreams and working on myself. It got to the point where I didn't even recognize myself.
Before you, I didn't like the idea of love. I was a completely different person. I was independent and I didn't care what a boy thought of me. I was relentless in my pursuit of what I wanted my future to be. And the only thing I ever chased were my dreams. I had closed myself off for so long for the fear of getting burned again. It had been so long since I felt something real that I mistook this whirlwind of ambiguity for what love is supposed to be.
Truth is, I sold myself short for a long time because I wanted to believe you would come around. I pursued this "almost" relationship even though it wasn't at all what I wanted.
It ate away at me, slowly but surely. I didn't see it at first, but bit by bit I lost sight of things that were important before you. I could no longer recognize myself and I hated this person I became. I hated her with everything in me. She was pathetic, desperate, clingy, and worst of all she didn't realize that she deserved the world. I was tired. Actually, I was exhausted. I was drained of all my energy.
It took losing myself to finally make a change and walk away from this idea of us. I'm okay with us not being together because I have myself. All I need is myself. The love I need, I have around me and within me. I had traded my relationship with myself for this notion of the man you could be. That was never okay. I come before anyone else. It was time to do better for the girl in the mirror. And that brings me to my point.
I apologize. I apologize to myself. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I broke all the promises I made to myself about never settling and holding him to a higher standard. I'm sorry I made myself look stupid and pathetic. But I'm not that person anymore & I won't be.
Losing you meant gaining myself and I wouldn't trade the latter for anything else in the world.
And the thing is that you're not a bad guy. You were never the bad guy. You didn't break me, you didn't force me to stay, or anything else. You were good to me. You were patient. You were at a time, who I wanted but you were confusing above all else. And that is why I don't want you the same way anymore. I realized that you don't know yourself and you haven't lived the life you wanted. Your indecisiveness stemmed from that. I was also holding you from what you wanted.
It was just a hard truth to accept, you never wanted me.
But the thing is that I can never hate you. I still pray for you every day. You used to be the first person I would think of whenever something happened in my life, I wanted you to be the first person I shared it with. The memories of you still linger. That was the beauty of us. We just were.
You were special and I will always cherish that. We had some good times, but then everything changed. I don't want the good memories to be tainted by the bitter end.
That's why I'm letting go. I'm letting go of the hurt, the good moments, the bad ones and hoping to get a text I know will never come. I'm letting go of you. All of you. Every part of you that's existed in my life, I'm saying goodbye to. And I'm okay. I'm happy with everything because I know we're both doing what we need to do. I'm okay because I have an answer. I created my own answer instead of waiting for you to give me one. There's no bitterness, there's no resentment.
Now I can finally look in the mirror and love the girl staring back at me because she's growing every day and she has a plan for her future.
She's changed so much and she's not the person she was. Most of all, she's not settling for half-assed anything.
She's relentless in her pursuit of what she wants in the future; she's holding herself to a higher standard.
She's let go of the hurt and moved past everything.
She has everything she needs to herself and her faith is stronger than ever.
She's excited about the future and everything it holds.
And to whoever loves her next; don't bother trying if you're not prepared to give her the world because she deserves that, and so much more.
