Wouldn't it be great if stress didn't exist?
I wish I could sail through life perfectly and not worry about any situation. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I am worried... about a lot.
My life has been far from perfect. I was never that flawless girl that everyone wanted to look like or be, and to this day, I still feel like I am not enough. In high school, I would always wonder why the guys would go for girls that weren't me. I would start to compare myself to them and wish I could be like them. I would stop and think about all of their talents, what they looked like, and how smart they were. I would then beat myself up and wonder why I wasn't like them. It would get to the point where I would cry for days when boys I have never even spoken to kissed other girls. No, I knew nothing about them, but it still scared me. And if I'm being honest, the fact that I have never been loved by a boy terrifies me. There's nothing I want more than someone to spend time with. If I don't find him soon, will I ever?
Every time I go to parties I end up dancing with boys. I view this as pretty harmless, but they always want to make out with me. I've never had my first kiss, so this makes me anxious. I know that we both are drunk and a guy wanting to make out with me at a party is completely expected. But when you keep asking me if I will kiss you and call me a tease when I don't, it worries me. I sometimes wonder if it is even worth it to wait, but I would hate myself if I didn't. I am just worried that I won't find a guy who will sit down and just talk to me.
I go to parties and see everyone being super outgoing. I look around and witness all of the conversations. Just to give you an idea of how my brain likes to work: let's say there are tiny little workers. Surrounding these workers are multiple cabinets with files in them. The files contain conversation starters, except there are a million of them. The workers rummage through the cabinets and can't find what they are looking for. When I see everyone around me smiling and laughing, I cannot ever figure out what I want to say, and when I do, the subject has been changed. I ponder and ponder, but I just cannot pull conversations out of my behind, and this frustrates me to no end. I never want to sound stupid or embarrass myself, so I just keep my mouth shut, yet I complain about not having any friends. I want to make friends and be part of a group so badly, but everybody seems to gravitate towards the outgoing, bubbly people, leaving me feeling screwed and hopeless. I really never introduce myself or be the first one to talk. I am worried that people will think I am stuck-up, but that is not the case at all. I just would rather stay quiet than word vomit everywhere. Not to mention, I have this weird quality of mine where if I see a good friend out in public and they don't see me, I won't go up and say hi to them, since I assume they are preoccupied. It's quite the crappy feeling.
I'm alone in a room with a friend. I observe the silence. Constantly talking to somebody is how I feel comfortable, and I hate silence, because then I feel like nothing is going right. I bite the skin around my fingers wondering what I could possibly say. This usually ends up with the other person asking my why I am picking at my fingers. "Bad habit" I tell them. That is one hell of an understatement.
I hardly ever text people first, and I wish that was an exaggeration. "Macy, what are you doing? You're just going to bother them, put that phone down". And then I put the phone down, wonder what I was thinking, and continue doing what I was doing before. I've been hurt by a lot of people in my life. I feel used and walked all over. So there are two reasons why I don't text people first: I don't want to feel like a bother, and I'm scared to get too close. Let me explain.
I am worried about getting hurt again. I feel like if I distance myself from everyone, there is no possible way I will get hurt. While this is true, deep down, I know there are amazing people that I need to text. But I just can't bring myself to do that, just in case. Lately I have been thinking of the worst case scenario and building walls. I know this is wrong to generalize everybody that comes into my life, but I am truly scared. On the contrary, I am also scared that the other person will think I'm rude for not texting them. They might expect me to text them first, however, I have that mindset that if somebody cared enough they would reach out to me. I just can't win, huh?
Most important of all, what about my future? Will I be successful? I compare my GPA to others a lot, and while it's true that I got on the dean's list, I can't help but feel like I try so hard and it isn't good enough. Seeing people's GPA posts on social media lowered my confidence. Will I get accepted into a PA program? I don't even have a backup plan.
Why am I telling you all of this? Maybe it's because everybody tells me that I'm an adult and I need to act like one. I certainly do not feel like I'm an adult, I'm only 18 years old. I'm a teenager. Teenagers go through so much, and I feel like I am still a kid with nothing figured out yet. Are adults supposed to feel like this much of a mess? Is this normal? Am I the only one?
