Eat me up, tear me apart… I’ll bury this deep inside me. I already spoke what had happened, but he doesn’t seem to know. I am so sorry, I thought I’ve learned my first time. Now everything is gone, it is gone. On Christmas day, I broke down when you were gone.

To people who do not understand, advised me to take action, but my guilt is getting to me. I confessed my mistake to him, but it seems to not feel resolved. Does he really know it’s gone? Depressed for days, this feeling is haunting my heart. I think I really did throw it all away, in the dump where it can not be found.

Maybe it’s a sign that I am not ready, maybe it’s the lord telling me that I can not handle that in this point in time. Inside I know he is the one for me, but too much in on my mind. Will he really understand if I made it clear that I had made the mistake, again? No, he wouldn’t.

Keep asking me what’s wrong, but I won’t tell. An object, something that held so much meaning is now gone. My stupidity, I will not forgive myself.

I know the cost, I know the location, but this will not solve the sin I had done. Replacing something like that is not simple, isn’t that easy. I look at him and I feel ashamed. Ashamed of how much I had hurt him over something that was suppose to promise our future joy.

So much has been on my mind, this life had taken over my mind. I took the trash out for his mom to sit in my car and I must of just tossed it all away. The box that held what meant so much to me. My realization did not happen until days later and that’s when my heart had dropped. Balling out crying, it can’t be resolved.

My eyes had searched, her eyes had searched and my father’s eyes had searched but no luck. No luck, no luck, no luck. I am eternally allowing an OBJECT KILL ME INSIDE! I guess I wasn’t ready to say yes, but I thought I was. In love, but not ready for the object of a responsibility. There’s nothing I can do now, no backing out.

All I can really say is, I’m sorry. I AM SO SORRY!