This month has been filled with ups and downs for me--mostly downs. I've been less motivated to write or do anything but work, hang out with my friends and be extremely lazy. Aside from working and being a mom, everything else just makes me so much more exhausted. Anxiety and stress alone are exhausting. I often find myself in a panic. Throughout the each day, I have to constantly remind myself to breathe. Just breathe.
A whole new worry has introduced itself to my life recently. I can't shake the feeling of never having to go through the ins and outs of hell before I can be completely happy for just a day.
It's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows. Life throws obstacles and it's up to me to get through them. I'll take the beat-down if it means a greater, beautiful outcome in the end.
This past weekend, I had an opportunity to take a walk down the city streets of Queens, New York. I needed those few hours to recollect and find some peace again. I love visiting family but I still had the urge to do my own thing, especially since I was away from the busy home life.
As I was walking, I came across a small shard of glass on the concrete. It looked like it had been kicked around by fast-paced walkers for years. The edges were smoothed out and the face of the glass had gone from shiny to dusty. It reminded me of the sea glass I used to decorate my sandcastles with as a kid. For the rest of the day, I couldn't stop thinking about sea glass and how beautiful those nature-and-man-made mementos are... even though they started off as forgotten garbage.
The deeper I thought about it, the more I felt calm and collected. Suddenly, I felt like I could write again.
I had a purpose.
I was needed for just a short time
before I was tossed away
without being given a second chance.
I was snatched by the shallow tips of the water.
It dragged me into the current.
I floated back and forth like a confused, ill-tempered child
until I hit a line of rocks.
I shattered and the pieces of myself grew
further away from each other.
I was lost.
What purpose did I have then?
I was tortured by the sea,
broken and worn by rough surroundings.
Too many years have gone by
and I had forgotten who I was.
I hoped to be saved by the shore.
Oh, how I had hoped
because I couldn't save myself.
I was in too deep.
I reached the sand unexpectedly
after almost giving in.
I felt the warmth of the sun.
It was like the first time that I had felt happiness
I wait for someone to find me--
for someone to admire my tethered beauty
and find happiness because of me.
That is my purpose now.
