I Am Not A Writer | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Entertainment

I Am Not A Writer

A personal essay on my constant fear of inadequacy.

148
I Am Not A Writer
Stephanie J. Spencer

I am a contributing writer for two publications and a co-editor at one. I am a research assistant for a professor who has me write chapter and article summaries. I write every day for school; I write papers, essays, notes and emails. I write all the time, for my various jobs and classes (and life), but I do not feel like a writer. "Writer" is a title I would never ascribe to myself.

Maybe this has to do with my high school experience in English and literature classes where, for the first time, I felt woefully bad at something. Up until this point, writing was simply fact and reading regurgitation or statements of opinion, but then came overly analytic and persuasive essays, and I choked.

I struggled greatly with the rigid structure of five-paragraph essays we were taught: topic sentence, concrete detail, commentary, commentary and repeat. I didn't seem to grasp that this concept was to help me arrive at a type of overall analysis, and without this larger framework, there was no way I could succeed at its specific details. It wasn't that I was a poor writer, per se. I had a decent "voice" and my grammar and vocabulary were fairly good, except for my penchant for run-ons or overly complex sentences, something I have yet to grow out of. But, I had a hard time writing theses and finding analytic points to support my arguments, which was disappointing as a highly opinionated person.

To be honest, I can't quite pin what I was doing wrong or why, but my English classes were the only ones I regularly underperformed in, and I felt like a failure, even when my grades were not reflective of such a problem. Maybe it was because I had parents who are both phenomenal and articulate writers or had a number of friends who were stellar writers, coupled with the competitive college prep environment of my high school that made me feel the need to best all my peers, but I had constant lingering feelings of lack. At a certain point, even, I had a couple teachers recommend I move up to honors English classes, but I scoffed at such a suggestion. I didn't want to be challenged even more when I was already feeling tested by each paper; I knew the teachers were supposed to be tough and had high expectations I didn't feel I could meet.

Finally, though, I conceded and moved into an honors class for one year. I had a fantastic teacher but still felt such anxiety about paper-writing that even a good instructor was unable to change my feelings about writing. I continued to avoid it like a plague, as I had semi-successfully done throughout my schooling. Then came college, where as a social science and liberal arts double major, writing could no longer be ignored. So, I sucked it up, and suddenly, I was being praised for my writing skills at a collegiate level.

While I performed well grade-wise on writing assignments, the whole process of paper-writing was still a deep struggle for me, filled with anxiety and procrastination as a result. I would let my old thoughts of lack of worth come back, and think to myself, "I can't do this. It's going to be too hard. I won't do well." But, of course, this only made things worse; it made me continue to hate writing.

Except, I kept doing well, I kept being applauded for my skill, and I eventually stopped hating it. In fact, I started to love it and see the talent I had, but I would tell myself that this talent was limited, it was only academic writing I excelled at. Then, I started to write for a music publication, and I thought maybe I could be good at journalistic writing. And then, I started to write for Odyssey and thought maybe I could be good at personal essays and more narrative structure. So, even though I don't always feel like one, at a certain point, I guess I became a writer.

Writing is a part of every obligation I have taken on as an adult, and I love it and how happy it makes me. Writing is the career field I am about to attempt to enter into in a couple months post-graduation, despite the many naysayers who have told me how hard and competitive it is, how it's a dying industry (and they are right about all of these things, by the way). But at least for right now, I am a writer, and this is what I want to do.

I was always jealous of the people who had a passion and skill so deep that they simply had to do it, there was no other option, such as my friends who are artists, musicians or writers. In fact, my dream job, if I could be granted any set of skills, was always to be a novelist; I just never thought I could be. But, at this point, who knows?

I never called myself a writer before because I didn’t feel good enough and did not want to challenge myself to be better, but I have gotten better. So, maybe it is time I put these feelings of inadequacy aside, step up to the plate and call myself a writer. Maybe, with that extra push, I will be one step closer to actually becoming one. Maybe, I already am.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Adulting

18 Things I Want To Do Now That I'm 18

I'm technically an adult, so I'm legally required to live a little, right?

2013
Happy Birthday Cake

For the entirety of my high school career, I was always seen as the goody-two-shoes. I never got in trouble with a teacher, I kept stellar grades, and when I wasn't doing extracurricular activities, I was at home studying. Even when I did go out, it was usually with a bunch of fellow band geeks. The night would end before 11:00 PM and the only controversial activity would be a fight based on who unfairly won a round of Apples-to-Apples when someone else clearly had a better card (I promise I'm not still holding a grudge).

Now that I'm officially an adult, I want to pursue some new things. I want to experience life in a way that I never allowed myself to do prior to entering college. These are the years that I'm supposed to embark on a journey of self-discovery, so what better way to do that than to create a bucket list?

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

10 Life Lessons from Christmas Classics

The holiday classics that shaped my life

1225
10 Life Lessons from Christmas Classics
Flickr

The holiday season is full of stress, debt, and forced conversation. While we rush through the month of December, it's important to take a step back and enjoy the moments before they're gone. Most families love to watch Christmas movies, but these beloved films provide more than entertainment. Here are 10 life lessons that I've learned from the holiday classics we watch every year.

Keep Reading...Show less
Featured

15 Mind-Bending Riddles

Hopefully they will make you laugh.

200450
 Ilistrated image of the planet and images of questions
StableDiffusion

I've been super busy lately with school work, studying, etc. Besides the fact that I do nothing but AP chemistry and AP economics, I constantly think of stupid questions that are almost impossible to answer. So, maybe you could answer them for me, and if not then we can both wonder what the answers to these 15 questions could be.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Most Epic Aurora Borealis Photos: October 2024

As if May wasn't enough, a truly spectacular Northern Lights show lit up the sky on Oct. 10, 2024

21043
stunning aurora borealis display over a forest of trees and lake
StableDiffusion

From sea to shining sea, the United States was uniquely positioned for an incredible Aurora Borealis display on Thursday, Oct. 10, 2024, going into Friday, Oct. 11.

It was the second time this year after an historic geomagnetic storm in May 2024. Those Northern Lights were visible in Europe and North America, just like this latest rendition.

Keep Reading...Show less
 silhouette of a woman on the beach at sunrise
StableDiffusion

Content warning: This article contains descriptions of suicide/suicidal thoughts.

When you are feeling down, please know that there are many reasons to keep living.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments