In today's world, where seemingly everything we do is done so that we can show other people, it is easy to become lost in your words, actions and even private thoughts. We want people to like us, even sometimes wanting them to envy us. Sometimes, this is how we measure how successful we are. In particular, I want the approval of those around me. Without it, I fall into a precipice of self-doubt, and I begin to ask questions. I question where I am, what I am doing and the worst of all: who am I? Even when I make decisions that would seemingly only have an effect on me, I still struggle to move past other people's disapproving words and thoughts, even if the negativity is only coming from one person.
As time goes on, I have gotten better and better at doing the right thing for me, while still considering what others have to say. I have learned that sometimes you just have to smile, do what you need to do and be successful on your own terms. Even without recognition from others, you can still be successful. This was a hard a lesson for me to learn, but life has gotten a lot easier since then.
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When I expressed my desire to graduate early from high school and attend cosmetology school, I was met with disapproval from not only adults, but from several of my peers. People seem to have a preconceived idea that the only people who will go anywhere with their life are those that will attend a four-year university. As the end of my early graduation date grew closer, people became quieter. I am unsure if they realized that it was unfair to give unwanted opinions, or if they were coming to accept the idea, but the message was already engrained in my head. I went to school with the preconceived idea that what I was studying was not important, and that it was silly to go to a cosmetology school when I could go to a university and make a real difference. I honestly doubt if anybody had ever said those exact words to me, it is more likely that I made an inference from smaller things that they had said. I went to cosmetology school, and ended up not enjoying it. I think a small part of the reason for this was that I did not feel a wide amount of support, but most of it was actually that I had outgrown it. I was not as interested in hair and makeup as I once had been, and realized I did not want to be a stylist for a living. I changed my mind, and wanted to go to a university.
People do not generally respond well to change. People like when things can be explained, and will only view change as a positive thing if the reasoning seems suitable to them. Many of the same people that did not think of my going to cosmetology school as a positive thing were the same people to react negatively to my decision to change to university. One comment specifically sticks out in my mind, "What's her deal? Why can't she make up her mind?" Although I was not entirely sure what I wanted to study, I settled for Special Education/Elementary Education. Although I think it is a wonderful field, and I admire those who have a passion for it, it was not a great decision for me. For one, I am incredibly introverted. Working in a field that requires constant communication is not an ideal. It also requires you to be able to work well under stress, be spontaneous and handle critique well. Although I like to help people, and I do like people, I am definitely a person who works well in privacy, with heavy organization. I am the type of person who would do well with a lot of wiggle room, and I would even go as far as to say that I would do well if self-employed, or at least not under a set hierarchy. Although I think it is a great field, I mainly made the decision to go into education because I knew it was a field that people would generally respect, and I knew it was conventional.
I was fairly successful as an education major, and I even enjoyed it at points. Yet, I had an overarching sense that it was not for me. I knew I was a candidate for "burn out", and that if I were to become an educator, I would likely leave the field before five years were up. I had accepted this thought, until I realized how wrong it was. I was paying to study something that I was not interested in, and not passionate about. I was getting good grades, and everybody seemed to be proud of me, so I figured that was good enough. Doesn't that seem horrible, when I lay it out that way? To do something that you do not enjoy, just for the sake of approval of others. I tossed this around in my head for a very long time. One night, I even sat on the floor of the shower and let the hot water run down my spine. I looked up at the ceiling, as though I was looking up into Heaven, and asked God, "What do you want me to do?". I am not sure if this was God (though I have a feeling that it was), but I instantly had this little feeling in my heart that I should write. It wasn't super surprising to me, because I have always loved to read and write, but it was still difficult to swallow. I knew that if I changed my major, I was not going to get much support. Not only would it be my third time changing my mind, but it would be an unconventional change. It took about two months, but I finally made the change. I changed my major for the third time. And I was surprised to find an outpouring of support. When I was laying out the plan of classes to take, I was delighted to find out that not even one of them seemed like a chore. I was absolutely thrilled to be in each and every class, because they all appealed exactly to my interests. I was going to be reading and writing nonstop. But of course, there were plenty of negative people. Plenty of, "What are you going to do with that?". As if studying something you are passionate about is a dirty, dirty germ. I could make myself sound brave, as if I was able to brush it off. That would be very untrue, though. I cried, I was angry and I vented to the many people who were supportive more than I could count. Ultimately, I was fine. I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, and I was more happy with my decision than I was upset about other people's opinions. I didn't stop caring, but I decided that I was no longer going to let it dictate my life.
I am always going to care about what other people think and say. I think this is a natural thing for us humans to do, and I think much of this caring is the INFJ inside of me screaming out. But in changing my major and following my passion, I have realized that my life is not a storefront for people to stand in front of and judge, deciding if it is worthy. I am worthy, regardless of what other people think. I will exist independently from other's good or bad opinions of me. And in the end, I will be successful, and only God will determine what success will look like for me.
