This isn't how I wanted my life to go, and yet it is. I am exactly who I want to be, and yet, I am not myself.
Sitting here, thinking about what I want to write about, knowing that my article is late, I can't help but admit to myself that this is not who I am. Recently, and more than recently, I cannot be me. I did not go to class this morning- any of my classes. I stayed in bed because sleeping was better than admitting to myself that I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
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I'm failing my computer science class. If I don't pass, I will be under 60 credits and then I won't have junior status. I will be behind for the first time. This is all because of my depression. It isn't who I am, but I'm letting it become me. I used to be able to power through, and I might be able to power through in a week or two, but right now, I'm stuck. The only reason I'm writing this article is because I still want to write for Odyssey because I love to write.
I'm still in my pajamas, as I am writing this. My long hair trails past my shoulders in knots because I haven't bothered to brush it. It is 2:42 in the damn afternoon, and I have an hour before my father picks me up for spring break. I'm grateful that I packed yesterday. I sit here and I know that when I stand up to get dressed, exhaustion and fatigue will flood my body. I know that I will want to curl into my grateful bed and sleep, and I can't and it's killing me.
This isn't who I am. This isn't who I am supposed to be. I'm a writer, and a student, a fiancé; I have people who rely on me and I can't bother to get up and do the things that need to do. I have been in this place many times before... But each time I get here, knowing that I can move past it, doesn't make me feel any better.
Right now I'm stuck. Right now the only silver lining is spring break and sleeping. Right now things are bleak and I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be okay, but it isn't. I know I can survive because I have survived before. That is all I can say. I will do the things I need to do and eventually. I will be okay. Please be patient with me. I'm very tired.
