I've seen a lot about mental illness on social media lately, at least more than usual, and it always makes me somewhat happy to see more and more awareness regarding metal illness and metal health being brought to the forefront. I say somewhat happy because no matter how many posts there are about depression, anxiety, etc. there are on social media, the stigma is still there. The judgement is still there. The fear, at least for me personally, is still there; the fear that if people knew about my mental illness, they would toss me aside like yesterday's garbage, that I wouldn't be worthy of their friendship and love. But fear aside, the facts are what they are. I do have a mental illness; I do live with bipolar disorder each and every day, and nothing I can do will change that.
I say nothing can change that because that's the truth. Noting short of a miracle will "cure" my bipolar. I can manage it, and I try to everyday. The truth is I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I feel well rested, ready to tackle the world, and my brain isn't attacking my every thought with negativity and/or doubt - days where I feel normal. On the flip side, I have my bad days as well. Days where I forget what someone asked me to do a mere 5 minutes ago, where I feel more tired than normal, where my emotions get the best of me and control the show, where I become clingy and need to be reminded that I am loved and valued. Those days are truly bad days. Those are the days when I doubt myself and everything I do on a daily basis to keep my bipolar under control.
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Bipolar has many forms. There's Bipolar 1 which favors the manic episodes. People with Bipolar 1 are more "high" than they are "low" and their behavior can often come across and reckless and risky. Then there's Bipolar 2 which favors the depressive episodes. People with Bipolar 2, like myself, spend more time on the depression end of the spectrum with occasional episodes of mania. They can often come across as lazy, unmotivated, or just depressed in general. There is also rapid cycling Bipolar disorder in which the shift between depression and mania can be so quick its as if someone flipped a light switch.
Personally, I have battled with the fact that I have Bipolar 2 for years. I have refused to take my medications because I thought they made me weak. I've had depression episodes that have lasted months at a time and have seemed to become my new normal. I've spent hours upon hours arguing with my brain when it insists that the people I love are mad at me even when I know they aren't. My battle with Bipolar has made me doubt my good days and has made me feel that I am not good enough because there is something wrong with my brain. And that's just it, it's something wrong with my brain. I'm not sad because I want to be. I don't have manic episodes because I'm bored with being sad or normal. My brain chemistry creates those episodes and no amount of sunshine, exercise, or happy thoughts can change that - at least not permanently.
I dread the times when I know I have to tell people about my illness. I remember when I told my two best friends. I was so terrified that they would think less of me, that they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Their reaction was the exact opposite. They still love me and they are better able to understand what is going on when I'm in the middle of an episode and they can help calm me down. I don't remember exactly when I told my boyfriend, but he has never treated me any different because of it. I'm still his girlfriend and if anything, I'm hoping it gives him more insight as to why I am the way I am because it's hard to explain. It's so hard for me to sit there and tell people I don't know why I forgot to do something because I honest to goodness do not know why I forgot. If you tell me I said I would do x, y, or z, I'll probably remember agreeing to it. Putting into words why I forgot to do it or how I forgot about it in the first place is impossible. Trying to explain why I'm feeling especially insecure or anxious is equally as impossible. Something triggers the episodes and that's all there is to it. I don't even know my own triggers half of the time.
I guess my point is this: Bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a chemical imbalance that can be controlled with medication. I don't fully understand my bipolar and how it effects me, but I'm working on understanding more and more each day.
My message to my friends and loved ones would be this: Please be patient with me, especially when I'm having an episode. I don't want to be in that spot and I certainly didn't ask to be. Just like you may not understand what is going through my head, sometimes I don't either. I am trying to keep everything together. I am trying to remember to take care of myself mentally (as well as physically) and to keep everything together. Sometimes I just can't, and it's not because I don't want to. I am not my bipolar, point blank, end of story. I am the same person I was before I wrote this article and the same person I was a week ago. I am not my bipolar, I'm my personality, my strength, my compassion, my faith. I am me.
