"I am not alone. You will go before me. You will never leave me." Kari Jobe
[Now, before I delve deep into my fears, frustrations, and sorrows, I would like to say that I appreciate the support of my family, friends, and all of the people that have flooded my life with love these past few weeks.]
I am not alone. That sentence makes sense. I have teammates, sorority sisters, close friends, and family (even though they are hours away); all of these people constantly support me and build me up. However, sometimes that isn't enough to block out the darkness. I walk around campus with a smile on my face, and appear on the outside to be having a wonderful day. But when someone asks me, "how are you?" in passing, I feel the heavy weight of the burdens I am carrying with me. Whether it is soccer, school, dating, or any of the other common things college students experience, I am facing trials on all fronts of my life. I want to tell you about my burdens, and about how my Heavenly Father has pursued me in my darkest moments.
I have always put my identity into the sports I am involved in; for example, I have played soccer for 14 years of my life. When I am playing well, I am in a good mood outside of soccer. Vice versa, when I am playing poorly, I am in a irritable mood outside of soccer. Soccer has been a major part of my life for so long; and for all you athletes out there, you know how emotionally invested you are in the outcome of your sport. But you have to realize two things: God gave you the talent to play your sport and the kingdom of God doesn't care if you win or lose it only cares for the glorification of your Creator. It doesn't matter how you do in a game as long as you are playing for your Father. God gives you talents on this Earth to glorify him, not to glorify yourself. So if you sit the bench or lose a game, you are not losing favor with Christ. Instead, use those shortcomings and failures as a platform to show that Christ is greater than those things.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.
Colossians 3:23 “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3
School is a whole other topic to discuss. I am an Accounting major, and Psychology and Business minor. On top of this, I am in Honors College and finishing up the program this year. I bit off a little more than I could comfortably handle this semester, and I am constantly stressed out with homework and studying. I am also involved in several activities on campus; I have run myself into the ground. Because of my incredibly busy life, I haven't been able to go out and socialize with my friends often. I feel the distance. I experience missing out on memories with my friends every weekend because I need to catch up on homework or sleep. I am missing out, and sometimes I don't feel I am reaping the benefits of staying in to get things done. I think all of the time that my troubles are nothing compared to the troubles of people in poverty, war, or all of the other devastating life styles people survive every day. However, my trials still matter. Your trials still matter; even if some people have it worse off than you. God knows your stressors and your trials, and he is walking through them with you. Allow him to be your rock. Allow the word to propel you forward. Allow his grace to give you the peace that the world won't allow.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
On top of all the stresses in my life, I have been single for over a year now, and it is beginning to take its toll. Now, as my schedule allows me no free time I don't really have time to date anyway. However, this doesn't take away the longing to find a partner in life. As I pray for my husband each night before I go to sleep, I imagine the God-fearing and respectable man that God will one day bring into my life. And as I pray for patience to allow God to bring my husband into my life in His timing, I also pray that my husband is praying for me. With this all being said, it is still important to know that I do get lonely. Sometimes I long for a man to go to church with me, to experience all the joys of life with, and to grow in Christ with. I know that these things are coming, but it is still difficult to let go of the loneliness and allow him to come into my life in due time. When I feel alone I turn my head to Heaven and allow my faith to carry me. Now, if you know me personally then you know I basically run away from guys and I haven't said yes to a date in a long time. This is because dating is not the most important aspect of my life on Earth right now. This doesn't mean I don't feel the pains of loneliness; it just means I am not actively seeking out a companion. I at times long for it, but more importantly I long for the man I pray for every night, the man God has planned for me. This is the hope that I bring into the darkness. The hope and faith that God has a beautiful husband and family planned for me in my future. So, I wait patiently with my eyes fixed on Him, and allow Him to bring my husband into my life.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
As this Proverbs says, do not lean on your own understanding. We do not know our future, but we have to trust that God is greater than our sorrows. God is greater than depression. God is greater than loneliness. Put your trust in Him, and he will not forsake you. Know this, you are not alone.
