With the holidays quickly approaching, it is becoming harder and harder to escape the Christmas carols and holiday cheer that seems to consume people this time of year---most people, that is. As for me, however, I have to prepare myself for the person who inevitably finds out that I am not crazy about the holidays. In the past, this revelation has dumbfounded people, even my closest friends. They could not grasp that I didn't really enjoy Christmastime that much. They didn't understand that the holidays are not the same for all of us.
When I think about the holidays, mainly Christmas, I think about being a child, and I remember the magic of it all. But, my favorite memory doesn't have to do with Santa Clause or any gift I received. It is the buzz of people all over the house and the sound of a doorbell ringing, signaling more and more guests. I remember there being so many people that we could barely fit around the table. There was so much laughter and joy. It was my favorite time of the year. Unfortunately, the holidays aren't like that anymore. Each year, it seems that we would take away a chair from the table. The atmosphere grew quieter and the doorbell didn't ring as often.
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So, when I think of the holidays, I don't just think about Christmas trees and big family dinners like most people do. I think about how I miss helping my grandmother in the kitchen as she and my mom prepare dinner. I am consumed with thoughts of my family members that I'll never get to laugh with again, and when I wake up on Christmas morning, I don't think about what might be waiting under the tree. I think about the one gift that I'll never receive: my dad waiting at the bottom of the steps with a video camera in hand.
I only have the memory of those times now. I no longer get to experience my dad smiling on Christmas day or all of us gathering around the piano as he and I attempt to sing a rendition of "Christmas Don't Be Late" by Alvin & the Chipmunks. So when Christmas rolls around, I don't look forward to it. Do I enjoy spending the time with my family? Of course I do. But in the back of my mind, I can't shake the sadness of what I have lost. When I sit down to dinner, I can't forget about the empty chairs that are at the table, and I'm not sure that will ever go away.
Just remember, this doesn't make me a "Scrooge" or a "Grinch." I don't hate the joy that the holidays bring other people, I just don't experience them the same way. And that's okay. The cheer doesn't have to stop on my account. I may not always join in, but that doesn't mean that everyone should lose their holiday spirit. In fact, they should embrace it. I hope that someday, I can embrace it again too.
