"You're ugly", "you're stupid", "why do your teeth look like that", "what are you even wearing?" And the most dreaded of them all, "you're fat." Those are all the things that people used to tell me daily.
For as long as I can remember, I was made fun of and bullied everyday. I never felt I was good enough for anyone and I thought that everyone hated me. Whether it was my physical appearance or the things I said, I was always being put down.
I didn't fit in during my elementary school years. I had a great friend group that I loved very much, but it wasn't the "popular" group. Not being a part of that made me feel like I was less than everyone, and no one deserves to feel that way.
In middle school, I was the girl with braces and glasses who felt like nobody wanted to get to know me. Of course, I made a couple of new friends but I still had people spewing hateful remarks at me, which made me feel horrible about myself. Not only was I being made fun of in school, I was being bullied at home, too. My sister was my biggest bully, she made me very self conscious. Not once could I walk into a room and not be made fun of for something. Although she treated me badly, today our relationship has improved. She has apologized for all the past occurrences and tries her hardest to be my #1 supporter, which she always is.
Weight was one of my biggest issues and it still is today. I was always the bigger girl of the grade, and never was quite the same size as all of my other friends. I stuck out like a sore thumb.
A name that will always stick with me is "Big Jules", which was given to me by my friend's brother. I knew I was big, but I wasn't too affected when people called me fat because I had already heard it so many times by then. My mom always tried to help motivate me by signing me up for Weight Watchers, but it would last a week and then we would stop. I never wanted to go because I was embarrassed of being a 13 year-old girl in a room full of adults trying to lose weight. I was around people who had a similar goal, yet I still felt like an outcast.
One day I went to the doctor and she informed me that I was pre diabetic and that my weight was rapidly increasing. If I didn't begin a healthier lifestyle, then I was sure to develop diabetes. Shocked and upset by this news, I actually started to believe the people who had called me fat.
After that visit my mom decided, once again, to sign me up for Weight Watchers. Except, this time it was for good.
I was so ashamed that I didn't tell anyone (not even my friends). I still felt uncomfortable being the young teen amongst a room of adults. Now, I have been in the program for around 9 months and have lost a total of 60 pounds.
I finally feel like I fit in. I constantly get comments like, "you look so amazing", "you are so thin", "you look stunning", "you look like a whole new person!" Hearing those comments make me feel good about myself and bring my confidence up. I truly feel like I'm accomplishing something.
Even though I am proud of accomplishing my weight loss goals, and so happy I became healthier, I also have a problem with why I started losing weight in the first place. I didn't do it for myself, I did it so everyone would stop with the negative comments. I just wanted to stop feeling ashamed of what I looked like, stop feeling judged, and I wanted people to like me.
I admit that I care too much about what people say, and that's the issue that stays with me.
Since middle school, I have transformed. No glasses. No braces. Major weight loss. Wardrobe change. And, a new confidence level. Even with all of these changes, I still feel lesser than. All because the negative comments stuck in my head.
The bullying stays with me, and just because people tell me, "you look amazing," I still don't feel that way. I still hate parts of myself. I still feel like I'm not good enough. I make fun of myself and bully myself every day.
Despite feeling self conscious, I do recognize that I have grown tremendously! When I hear someone say something bad to me, I do my best to shake it off. I don't let the comments get to me; I ignore them. Of course I still have that nervous part in me that questions, "why do they think that? Am I really like that?", but I've learned to let it go.
If there is anything I could teach people from my experience, I would stress how important it is to love yourself. Love every, single part. You are unique. There is no one else like you. Just because you think you don't look as pretty or as small as anyone else, does not mean you are any less of a person.
Everyone is equal and you matter. You are you and that is amazing all in itself.
