Sean Spicer and I probably have nothing in common except that we both like to tell alternative facts. I don't have my own personal Kellyanne Conway to cover for me but that's fine because I am perfectly capable of lying on my own--thank you very much! In my own tacky fashion I present to you the most common white lies I've told others and myself.

1. I can't go out.

Well, I technically have plans with myself. What I should have said was "I do not want to go out...ever."

2. I never got that text.

I have never told someone this (I think) but I've heard it a few times.

3. We should hang out sometime.

Ugh I want this one to be true but we all know I'll never see you again.

4. I'll go to the gym later

The fupa wants what the fupa wants and it's not cardio.

5. I love this haircut!

You tell this to your hairdresser and then you cry all the way home.

6. I have nothing to wear

Bitch, look again.

7. When someone compliments you so you immediately compliment them back.

"I like your dress." "UH. I LIKE YOUR SHOES." It's not a contest. I didn't even know that you were wearing shoes.

8. I will be productive today

But that means that I would have to get out of bed and I'm not ok with that.

9. I'm fine

If you ask me how I am, I'm not going to tell you my life's story. We don't have time for a whole sit down.

10. Yes I've read the Terms and Conditions.

I've maybe glanced at it once?

11. I'll never drink again.

I'm talking coffee of course!

Was Trump's inauguration the most watched ever? No. Do I want to eat baguettes until I explode? Yes. It's all good though.