Everyone who's anyone in the 21st century has heard of Selena Gomez's new Netflix Series: Thirteen Reasons Why. It's about a likable girl, Hannah Baker, who goes through life as a high schooler in a small town. Watching the show is emotionally taxing and heartbreaking. Most shows these days are filled with drama, but this show is different. There is drama, as things occur in and around the halls of Hannah Bakers high school, but it isn't dramatized. I should also probably mention that Hannah Baker is dead. Hannah was a likable girl, but she lost her life to suicide, which is where the show begins.
The reactions and actions of the cast and characters are genuine. Terrible, awful things occur around Hannah, both to her and to others, and she suffers in silence, until finally, she takes her life.
I almost was Hannah Baker in the sense that I almost took my life. There came a time, many times actually, where I truly felt I could not go on. If Hannah Baker were here today, I know she would want everyone to understand.
1. She's not dramatic.
She doesn't just want attention. Whether or not you feel her pain is valid, it is valid. You don't get to tell someone else how much or how little something effects them. You can't argue someone out of having their feelings hurt.
2. Your actions have consequences - both good and bad.
In her case, those consequences were her loss of life. In my case, they were a multitude of things. Many people's seemingly harmless comments compacted into a life threatening eating disorder that nearly took my life. But, because of the actions of others, and my own will to survive, it didn't. My friends actions had consequences, and, in my case, those consequences were positive, as I am alive today to prove that they had the courage to speak up - to involve the school, my mother, and professionals.
3. She needed help.
She needed someone to understand that she was flailing out at sea, sinking to the bottom of the ocean, waving her arms for help as her lungs filled with water. No, she wasn't screaming for help, she couldn't find her voice, but, if you pay close enough attention, she threw up her arms and waved, beckoning for help more times than she could count. When in true crisis, most people lose the ability to verbalize their distress and, rather than berating them for not asking for help directly (even if they should), note their signs of distress and cries for help. Reach your hand out and grab onto them, and just in case they're drowning, pull them into your boat.
4. Not talking about her feelings didn't make them go away.
Hannah carried the burden of her pain on her own. As the series goes on, we see it slowly beginning to crush the life out of her. Many of us scream at our screens, begging her to tell Clay or her parents about her pain. We want so badly for her to understand that they care, that they love her, that she has shoulders to cry on, and that she is not alone. Unfortunately, Hannah feels alone. Perception is everything, and though many love her and care for her, she believes the lies inside her head and identifies as worthless and undeserving of their love and support. The more things she bottled up, the worse her condition became.
5. She gave life one last shot.
For Hannah, her hail Mary was going to Mr. Porter, we all know how that turned out. For me, my hail Mary was going to treatment for my eating disorder. I never thought I would survive and recover. When I walked through those doors, I thought I was a dead woman walking, but I wanted to die knowing that I had given it my all. What happened over those next few months, and then years have put me back on track. I can't imagine taking my life today, and haven't been able to for some time.
6. Her suffering didn't have to be eternal.
This one may not be something that the Hannah Baker that took her life would tell you. She obviously believed that her suffering was permanent, or she wouldn't have killed herself. But this is what I want, no need you to know. There have been many many many days in my life that I remember thinking I would not survive the pain I was in. Surely, I thought, this suffering will never end, suicide would save me from this despair. What I have learned is that I survived every single one of those situations. I am here today alive and thriving, because I held on in those moments of darkness, praying for the light.
7. Suicide doesn't end your pain, it only takes away your chances of ever feeling better.
This one is perhaps the most important. Hannah thought that suicide would end the pain, but it didn't. Even if she became some faceless spirit, or went on to Heaven, we witnessed firsthand the overwhelming mountain of pain the loss of her life left behind. I'm not talking about for those who bullied her because, they should feel guilty. No, I'm talking about her mother and father, who loved her more than anything in this world. Clay, who loved her and accepted her as she was, who is consumed with regret and guilt over what he could've/should've/would've done, if only he knew.
I was almost Hannah Baker. But I'm not. I made a different choice. I chose to live. I chose to breathe through the pain. I told myself that suicide and self harm were not options. I stopped. I worked at therapy, I tried to tell my friends how I felt, I began to rely on others, and on myself to heal. I tried new medications until I found ones that worked. I fought and I fought and I continue to fight.
I am not Hannah Baker, but I could've been.
Remember what I wanted you to know, and what I believe can be learned from Hannah Baker.
I am not Hannah Baker, and neither are you. Make a different choice, and choose to live.
